Great, Loving, and Forever relationship

 One of the worst things in the world is to be in a relationship that is not working.

Have you been there? Are you there now? 

The question is, why do we get into relationships that turn sour, go bad, don't work? Why do some relationships work for a few weeks, or a few months, maybe even a few years?

It's all about what we don't know. We don't know about our partner. We don't know ourselves. We simply don't know enough.

When was the last time you took a class on relationships? Have you taken the 5 Love Language quiz? Have you ever bought a book on relationships?

The book that started it all and helps you discover the love of your life. The Twenty  https://stevesapato.com/the-twenty/

The Audiobook  https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Twenty-Audiobook/B0FG3H7JLZ?source_code=ASSGB149080119000H&share_location=pdp

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/find-the-love-of-your-life-tickets-1424892524899?aff=oddtdtcreator   

Do you begin to see that we cannot create what we cannot master. You took lessons to be good at something. You took a class or seminar on how to sell? How to be a manager? How to play tennis?

But never on relationships.

Here's a quick video for you. https://youtu.be/Y0z5A97jUyQ

We cannot fix what is not fixed in us.

When I interview people for Love and Relationship work I seldom tell them I am interviewing them. Because when just talking the will tell me their true feelings.

I ask people, what is working in your relationship? What is not working? And I often ask why? On both questions. The answers are astounding by the simplicity and the box they will all fit in.

Why Love Doesn’t Always Work

What I hear are the reasons relationships don’t work as well as they should. I hear people say, their partners are not responsive to their needs. I hear why they think they shouldn’t have to tell their partners what they want. I hear them say they can’t talk about sex. I hear them say their partner doesn’t seem to care how they feel.

I hear people say why their last relationship ended and it’s almost always the other person's fault. They didn’t do this or that. They didn’t understand. They always did this. They started arguments. They wouldn’t do what they should.

I ask, what was your partners greatest strength? What was your partners greatest desire in life? What was their love language – made them feel most loved? And most cannot begin to describe these areas.

Now I ask you, what is your greatest desire in life? What makes you feel loved? What is your greatest strength? Can you answer these three things right now? Quickly now. Can you?

You see, one of our greatest challenges in our relationships is that we don’t know the answers to these questions. And therefore, we most certainly aren’t asking them of our partner.

We cannot fix what is not fixed in us. If we don’t know these answers then no one is asking us those questions either.

Tell me, what is love? Is it just that ‘feeling’ we get when we are around someone? Is it just how our bodies react to someone else’s body? Is it how they make us feel by how they compliment us? Touch us? Make love to us? Is that love? Because when I talk to people, that is what they tell me. Love is ‘that feeling!’

When I wrote the book on Love I learned in all of my interviews that it turned out to be so much more. Most of it was communication. Or the lack thereof.

We don’t know how to talk to one another. We have so many blocks, fears, hang-ups, that are ingrained in us that we often shut down rather than get uncomfortable. We shut the other person down also. One area is sex but there are so many areas where we just cannot talk openly about things. Money is a huge impediment. Imagine I am having financial problems but I can’t talk about it to anyone. It’s forbidden, off limits, non-negotiable. So what happens is we get caught up in our financial woes, start falling behind, and before you know it we are deep in the trouble of money. When possibly a nice easy conversation with some help or guidance could have eliminated all of that trouble to begin with.

Sex is for a whole nother discussion.

If you enjoyed this newsletter, please share it with a friend who can subscribe at www.stevesapato.com

The right one? Or just another flash in the bed...

One of the greatest challenges we face in our quest for love is selecting someone who will be there when the poo hits the fan.

I think you all know what I mean. When times are great, it's easy for us to find a partner we are happy with and settle in to enjoy life. But it's when the times get tough that peoples real personalities come grinding through.

Yes, I found the right one, they are fun, happy, caring, easy to get a long with... and then, the step kids start acting up, or the ex starts showing up or calling or ... or suddenly something happens that requires money and you don't have enough, or you simply say something really stupid and an argument blows up in your face and there is screaming or hollering or they simply walk out.

How will you know if you have a person who will be there even in the tough times?

In my book, The Twenty, I talk about how we need to look for the warning signs. And I don't just mean look, I mean, investigate. Yes, dig deep into YOURSELF to find out the answers.

Wait, Steve, you said dig into myself? Yes... because if you look at your failed relationships objectively you will almost always be able to see red flags/warning signs that this was not the perfect relationship you kept hoping it would be.

I can't tell you how many people I have helped over the years who were distraught and lost and hurt and so much more because their relationship ended. But as we talked, as I injected my system into their lives we fond that almost to a person, they had seen warning signs and chose to ignore them.

You do know they call it dating for a reason, right? That reason is you are supposed to be LOOKING for the warning signs not ignoring them.

And as you find these red flags you need to act upon them. Ok, yes, you want to be loved. Yes you want to be in a relationship. Yes, it's one of the most important things you want in life. But now, let's put aside all of the Man of my dreams, Woman of my fantasy and get hit in the face with reality.

And that is, when you start a relationship it's called dating (when you are supposed to weed out the ones that won't work in the long run). When you are in a relationship is when you start to get deeper feelings than just comfort and sex. This is when you really need to dig in and look at this person like your life depends upon it. It does! Or at least your future does. And that's when you really dig into the 'oh, it's no big deal' flags. It's when you delve into the 'things that irritate you' feelings. It's when you need to solve all of these in order to get to the 'I will love you forever' reality that comes with more than the emotional 'I love you' stage of your relationship.

I teach relationships. It's what I do and if you really want to find the love of your life then follow my proven method of finding someone who will be worthy of your love. You can find love by learning about love and not just stumbling into another relationship and hope it lasts.

Come and learn about love with my proven system, The Learn to Love School of Relationships.

I am Steve Sapato and I can teach you how to find the love you have dreamt about.
Start your journey now

Love is not our natural state of being

When it comes time to find love one of our greatest challenges is US!

I know, no one wants to hear that. I know I didn't.

I was single for almost eleven years. I was on every dating site and went to dozens of meetups and even managed and owned a large singles group in Tampa, FL. I had a great time most of the time but I wasn't meeting the love of my life. I met dozens of wonderful potential partners, started a relationship with a few only to find they were not the ONE that I was looking for. Then a few things happened in my life.

I actually was helping others find love. I was helping them to look inside to themselves. I was told once upon a time that if enough people thought you were being a jerk, then you probably being a jerk and the same thing applies here. If you are going through a lot of potential partners or marriages and none of them are working out, what is the one common denominator? You.

Shame on you Steve, to tell me that I am the root cause of my relationships failures. That my failed marriages are my fault! You didn't know my ex's. You didn't know what kind of person they were.

Wait~ wait....
I did not accuse you or say that you were the CAUSE.

When I wrote THE TWENTY and recently turned it into an audio book it was done with the sole purpose of helping people to find love in their lives. It still is. And part of that journey is discovering that the greatest challenge to finding that ONE person, that amazing love of your life was so simple that it escapes most of us.

Love is not our natural state. YES if love is showered upon as, like most people have when they are babies (oh you are so cute. hug hug hug kiss kiss. Come give momma, daddy, grandma, auntie a kiss) then our reaction is to love back. Notice I said love BACK.

It's very easy to love when we are showered in love but most of our lives we do not receive love like that. Not in the real world. Not at work. Not with our friends. Not even in our safe and supposedly loving relationships. But our natural state is not to show love. We are cautious, stand-offish and leery of people. If you watch babies take toys and things from other babies you will notice that we are bullies and aggressive. Yes, we can show love and affection but that is not our natural place to find ourselves.

And if you understand this then we are on the right track to find love because first we have to understand that love is not our first nature. Many times as we search for love we are anxious and easily swayed by someone who appears to offer us the love we want and desire. And they offer it because they desire it also.

What happens is that after our initial involvement we both tend to revert back to our natural tendencies which are selfish in nature. I want, I need, I expect... you should have, you need to, you are not doing what I want and need you to do!

Now let's go back to why our relationships are not going in the direction we want. It's not that we are to blame for their failure as much as we are responsible for selecting the wrong person to try to have a relationship with.

Step number one in finding a wonderful, amazing, delightful partner is knowing EXACTLY who and what we are looking for. And as I started this article I want to remind you that I was single for almost eleven years before I discovered my perfect partner and STILL after a few months we broke up because WE BOTH still had things to learn, give and grow into, in order to become that perfect partner.

If you read my book or listened to the audio book then you might, maybe, possibly, might have. partially, started, thought about putting together your list of what you want, need and desire in a partner. And I will still tell you this ... if you are serious about finding that person I can help you refine that list into the actual information you need in order to discover that person to share your life with.
Once Kristen Jensen, now Kristen Sapato, refined her own list, she found that I was as much the man of her dreams as she is the Lady of mine.

Taking training on how to love, how to become a more loving person, will help you discover the love for your life. But it is, ongoing, learning and growing because LOVE is not our natural state of being.

I am Steve Sapato founder and creator of Learn To Love School for Relationships. steve@stevesapato.com

Five Steps to finding someone you really want to date:

 Whether we talk about women or men we still have things to figure out but this article is geared towards ladies but can certainly help men as well.

Let’s talk about why you are not having any success in finding anybody much less the ‘right’ person to date.

The basics:  Step one – Change your hair style. Yes, men are attracted to different hairstyles and if you have not had success while sporting a specific hair style then think about changing. Growing it, shortening it, changing the color or the style in general.

And, if what you are saying right now is, I like my hair and I’m keeping it that way, then step number five is really for you.

Step two – Work on your body. Yes, I said it. Your body image is hurting your self-esteem and therefore who you are attracting. I don’t care if you are thin, fat, average. I don’t care if you are big boned, thin boned or have no bones at all, do something to change it. And if you say, I think I look pretty darn good then read step five.

Step three – Change your make-up. Your tan, your non-tan. Change the colors you are wearing on your face. Have you ever looked at someone and asked yourself, what was that person thinking of when they did their make-up? Well, maybe someone is saying that about you. PAY for a real make-over, let a professional do your make-up and then learn how they did it!

Step four – change what you are wearing. Yes, change that look. Change who you are by what people see you wearing. Have you heard the term, dress for success? Well, how you dress will certainly attract a certain type of person and will most efficiently scare others away. Maybe what you are wearing is not drawing the right people to you.

And Step five – change who you are. I don’t care if you are happy with who you are if part of your happiness involves finding the right partner then, like everyone else you have met, become the person you want to date. What’s crazy is most people say, I can’t change. Yes you can. I am the living result of many many changes and so are you. Do you like the exact same things you liked as a child? Same foods? Same games? Same friends? Do you like doing all those things you did as a kid? And I bet you actually had to think about what you used to do because your growth has come so gradually that you didn’t even know you changed except on those rare occasions when you suddenly found yourself eating something you hated as a kid or couldn’t eat the things you loved as a kid.

The same is true of who you are. You have changed hundreds of times over the years and I challenge you now to change again, only this time, make it a deliberate change. Change happens in at least one of three ways and typically in two or three ways; by the things we watch or listen to; by the things we read; by the people we hang around with. Change your friends and change your life. Change and read some great books, articles, emails, blogs and change your life. And change who and what you are listening to, podcasts, music, TV, seminars and workshops.

When you become a new person with deliberate action you can become the person you want to attract into your life.

I know what you are thinking…but I am great just as I am. If that is the case, you will be happy simply being right where you are but if you want to attract that person, then you have to become the type of person you are seeking. Change, grow, become and do it by choosing who you want to be.

I am Steve Sapato and I am the creator of the ‘Learn To Win’ workshops and seminars that change peoples lives. Write to me and let’s get you on the road to your own happiness.

The Happiness Agenda podcast is a good place to start. On iTunes or my website www.stevesapato.com/podcast

Love is never enough to make a relationship. And one other huge mistake you are making..

Love is never enough to make a relationship.  And one other huge mistake you are making..

Love is never enough and yet that is what most of us base our primary relationship on! LOVE alone.

Oh I know what you are saying, not me Steve. I want much more and I look for much more. Really? Ok, here is your test, pull out your note, message, list, goals for at least ten things other than love that you are looking for. Yes, take it out of your wallet, your purse, your desk drawer. Pull it off of your fridge or wherever you are keeping it.

Oh, you don’t have it? Ok, then right now, right here, while you are reading this, write down those things. Yes, right now write them down. You do know them correct?

And I don’t mean those crummy generic guesses. I don’t mean, I want love, and someone who will treat me right, and someone who respects me, and someone who will take care of me, and someone who won’t cheat on me, and someone who wants to do things with me…

Nope. Not going to let you get by with that. NO!

When we say love is never enough and that most people make their choices based on their emotions, based upon that wonderful euphoric feeling called love. That thing that distracts you and blinds you and allows you to look right past some of the most horrible obvious things that tell your friends, danger Will Robinson! Danger!

You see if you allow your ego and your stubbornness to keep you from writing down the things you really want in your next partner you are making your second huge mistake. Write down specific things. I don’t just want someone who will treat me right, by right I mean …   and then describe in detail what you mean. Describe each generic goal in specifics. I want someone who will love me.. what does love mean to you? Is it hugging? Kissing? Is it being supportive or being strong with you? Is it sharing quality time and being close? What does ‘love me’ mean?

If you have those things written down they will be more concrete in your mind. They will rise to the surface and remind you when that someone you love might be great to love but horrible to be friends with. Terrible to spend hours, days and years with.

So now that you have a clue. Get started. Start writing and don’t stop until you have a whole bunch of specific things you want and don’t want in your next partner. And that is the one step of many to your finding the love of your life.

Want more tips? Subscribe to my podcasts. Go to www.stevesapato.com and click on the newsletter sign up to receive news each time I post a new podcast and one newsletter ever two weeks to help you discover some secrets to LOVE.

Steve

Yes, Santa, I have made some mistakes in love. My Christmas wish is ...

What do you want for Christmas this year? For many it is jewelry, clothes, toys. Most of us we want to be surrounded by people we love and who love us.

Maybe you are one of the many single people who just want to find that special someone. Someone who will fill up our stockings with joy and our hearts with love.

Christmas used to be such a basic part of our life. Was it for you? All you had to do when you were a kid was get excited, get more excited, and wake up and PRESTO! It was Christmas morning and there were gifts and family and laughter and food and love.

Then we grew up. Life got complicated.  Love seemed to fade away. We found years of love in a relationship and then even that went away. Now you might find yourself alone on Christmas and struggling. Asking, why am I alone again on Christmas.

If that is you, then simply say this...

My Christmas wish is to find the love of my life.

And that my friends is who you start this ball rolling so that you will now put into motion a series of happenings that will bring the love of your life into your life so that you won't be alone for Christmas.

I know, way too simple. Aw, Steve, you are saying - I've done that every year for the last five years! - I did that last year! - I'm not going to do that because that's stupid! - Steve, I'm not going to do that because I am done with love.

And I don’t' blame you. I bet I said that 50 times over the last ten years. I said things like, why do I even try! What the heck is wrong with me? Why can't I find someone to love? 

And you have probably had disappointment after disappointment trying to find love. It's just easier to say, forget about it.

But you've never had an elf like me on your side before. If what you really want is to find the love of your life then what you really need is some great help. All great people have coaches, don’t' they? Every successful athlete has had a couple great coaches to teach them things they either didn’t know or to help them hone those skills they do have into a professional level skill.

Now you do to! Well, sort of, you do. 

So let's start with a Christmas wish that will become your mantra for love. Are you ready? Here's what I would like for you to say -  what I really want is to find that special someone I can call the love of my life - I know, but would you say it out loud? Even if it's a whisper... please? - What I really want is to find the love of my life -   ok?

Now that we have said it then you should subscribe to this blog because over the next few weeks I will be sharing with you new ideas, links to videos, podcasts and more information about how you will make that happen. How you will write to me one day and say, STEVE! I have found that special someone that loves me and that I can love. 

You see, that is one of my Christmas wishes... for you to find the love of your life.

Yes, Santa, we have all made mistakes and now I want to learn how to get past those mistakes, love myself, and find out how to love someone else and allow them to love me.

I believe in you. I believe that you believe in you too.

Now subscribe, please? And let's start this new year off right. With a great outlook and a new chance, yes, it's just a chance, that you will find the love of your life this year. 

I wrote the book The Twenty, which you can order off of my website or go to Amazon and download it as an eBook. It will help you start. It will make a difference to you. Then connect with me.

Let's make this an amazing year for so many great reasons. Love is one of them.

I am Steve Sapato, relationship coach, author and speaker wishing you an amazing new year.

www.stevesapato.com

The Dog that I call love.

The Dog that I call love.

Now what does that mean? Love is what you decide it is. Love for me is being and finding a partner that I will treat like a dog and they will do the same for me. I know, that offends some people because they want to jump to all kinds of conclusions.

But what I am hoping I have found and what I am hoping my partner has found is that amazing sweetness that a dog offers to you, unconditionally.

A partner who never takes offense even when you inadvertently hurt them. One who is always excited to see you. One who gets off of their chair when you get home just to give you kisses. And one who loves to snuggle and be near to you.

One who, when you leave, misses you and even if you are gone for a few minutes or a few days is just as excited that you came back!

One who looks at you with all the love in their hearts and offers that to you every day of their life until they take that last breath.

Yes, and I am offering that love that I call Dog.

And I hope you find the love you are looking for also.

Steve Sapato

Relationship Coach and mentor to help you find the love of your life. When you are ready to be coached to a great life in love drop Steve a note steve@stevesapato.com

and order The Twenty, things you need to learn in order to find the love of your life

http://www.amazon.com/Twenty-Steve-Sapato/dp/098305570X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1365737934&sr=1-1&keywords=the+twenty+by+steve+sapato

Love is all about you. Why love is never easy and often doesn't last.

Whenever I speak on love I consistently find people who are frustrated that they cannot find love. I am asked, why is love so hard to find?

The answer is simple: love is easy to find but a lasting, loving relationship is extremely hard to find. And that is because we are looking for someone who matches up with us. We are looking for someone who will love us enough because that is what we expect. That's what all the movies tell us; all the novels. My gosh, even 50 Shades says, even though we start off as a sex object it will turn into a long lasting, fulfilling, relationship filled with love.

And that is not how the world really works. We want someone to be our perfect match. They never will be.

What we should be looking for is how we can fill up someone else with our love and then, hopefully, in return, they will want to fill up our love tank and help us feel loved and fulfilled. But we won't know that until we give ourselves to another.

Yes, I understand, you have given yourself to so many others already but you have not met anyone who will do the same for you. Isn't that how you are feeling?

The answer again is, then you have not met the right person.

Oh my gosh! How many people do I have to meet? The answer is, you have to go through a lot of frogs to find your prince. I am sure you have heard something like that many times before.

The real key is, knowing yourself. Knowing what, exactly, you want. Once you find a person you think you might be the right one then you have to evaluate the other parts of your relationship. It's easy to say, I love you. It's easy to say I am in love. It's easy to say, this is the one!

It's another thing to really evaluate if you can fill them up or if this person will continue to fill you up. Do you know what makes you feel loved? Do you know what your love languages are and what makes you feel loved? Do you understand whether they will be able to keep you filled up? Do you know if you will be able to keep them filled up?

Don't misunderstand. Just because they can make you feel loved for a few weeks or even a couple months does not mean they will continue to do that for you for years to come. It takes a huge committment, a great sacrifice to make someone feel loved every day. Can you? Can they?

But this is your tie to be selfish. It is your time to care only about you. It is your time to make sure that you will find that happiness. Because if you are not happy, you will find it impossible to help others find happiness. If you are not happy you will find it unrewarding to keep filling another persons love tank.

Here are some questions you must ask yourself when you are involved in a relationship: have you asked your partner, every day, what you can do to make them happier today? Have you asked yourself, has my partner asked me what can make me happier in our relationship? Do you talk to each other about your dreams and goals? Do you share your deepest desires with your partner and do they accept them?

Those are keys to your happiness. Is your partner willing to be uncomfortable, even for a little while, to do something that makes you feel loved?

You see, your love language will determine that. If your love language is acts of service, then, will they do the dishes? Cook a meal? Take out the garbage? To make you feel more loved? If your love language is physical touch, will they rub your neck, shoulders or back to make you feel more loved? If your love language is quality time, will they shop with you, sit with you , walk with you, spend time just to make you feel more loved? If your love language is gifts, will they bring you little things to show they were thinking of you, buy you something to make you feel loved? If your love language is words of affirmation, will they compliment you, tell you great things, tell you how proud they are,

just to make you feel more loved.

And ... will they do this for years to come?

What typically happens is, they will do it for a short time but soon it becomes a burden. And without your love languages being given, being acted upon, soon you will feel less loved. And less loved, leads to other things.

So lets go back to the title of this article, love is all about you which means, it's all about them also.

Love is never easy to find and even more difficult to keep. Unless you find that special someone who knows how and why it's important to make you feel loved.

I am Steve Sapato. I wrote The Twenty book about how to find love. I know it's possible and I know how difficult it will be. But I believe.

www.stevesapato.com
steve@stevesapato.com

Ah Love~ is yours just like in the movies?

Don't you just love how the movies and stories portray love. Wheeeeee so wonderful. No problems ever. No one upset because someone looked at the wrong person the wrong way. No one upset because someone didn't take out the garbage or forgot to buy them flowers. No one perturbed (is that how you spell it?) because they disagreed about politics or which TV show to watch or which restaurant to go to for dinner, or why you didn’t bring me a glass of water when you got one for yourself. Ah yes, love~ Now explain to me what you think love is. Yes, what you think love is and why it is or isn’t working for you. What I have found from speaking with hundreds of people is that most of us have this ‘rose colored glasses’ view of love. Most people I speak with are angry at having failed at love and if you look at the cover of my book, The Twenty available on Amazon, the word love is crossed out and written again above it to signify how we have all been wrong in love before. And most of us are so stubborn that when we talk about how to love we say things like, ‘why do I have to change’, ‘why can’t someone love me just as I am’, or ‘I won’t change who I am for someone else’. What I do find oddly funny about those statements is that we are all in a constant state of change no matter how small or insignificant those changes might appear to be. The greatest change people need to make in their quest to find love is in the way in which we communicate. I always recommend two books, of course my book, The Twenty for single people but I talk about the most significant book I have ever read on relationships, one that I teach on in my seminars and that is, The Five love Languages by Gary Chapman. That book should be read by everyone because once you learn what your partners Love Language is and they learn yours it should be an easier task to offer and give them what makes them feel loved and that alone is a HUGE overcoming in any relationship. You make your partner feel loved and they can and probably will forgive most of your shortcomings as you will theirs. That feeling of being loved is such a rare feeling that most of us will give ourselves willing to that partner who once we love them and they make us feel that loved, well, the rest should be history. And therein lays the truth of communication. How we communicate, not just with our words, or our vocal tones, or our body language but with our hearts, souls and minds in offering them the truth, the proving our love by how we give them their love language, how we make them feel loved is the entire key to making your love, the love of your life and living ‘happily ever after’. I hope you do. I have.

Staying in love is hard

I understand your skepticism. I used to be a skeptic also. Then after years of training, seminars and personal learning I have come to the conclusion that OSMOSIS is alive and well in your head! I know, what does that mean, you are asking. Others might call it, subliminal messaging while others call it influence. Whatever you call it I will challenge you to prove me wrong, and that is that things you hear, read and people you hang with will completely influence your thoughts, attitudes, behaviors and FUTURES! Yes, I said your futures! So if what you are doing currently in your life and where you are headed in your life is where you are completely happy then keep doing what you have been doing. If you are not happy with where you are or where you are headed then ... guess what? You might need to change some things you are doing. I have been saying for decades that it's the things you read, the things you listen to and the friends you are hanging out with that will determine your future. That means that if you are hanging out with people who are not happy in their love lives you probably won't be either. If you are hanging out with people who are unhappy in their relationship you probably won't be either. Skeptical? Then don't just believe me, research by sociologist James H. Fowler found that if a sibling divorces, we are 22 percent more likely to get divorced ourselves. And when our friends get divorced, it’s even more influential: people who had a divorced friend were 147 percent more likely to get divorced than people whose friends’ marriages were intact. Divorce, it appears, is contagious. That was the very headline recently regarding a study from Brown University conducted in Framingham, MA—also by James H. Fowler, as well as Rose McDermott. The authors found that 75 percent of participants were more likely to get divorced if a friend was divorced, and 33 percent were more likely to end their marriage even if a friend of a friend got divorced. Here’s a link to Pew’s coverage of this study back in October 2013 Holy cow! Now you should be really rethinking who you are running around with? Ask yourself this, before you had the friends you currently have, were you happier in your relationship or unhappier? Maybe that will be a real eye opener for what is happening in your life. Maybe it will be a really good reason why you are feeling how you are feeling. When I am doing my seminars I am often asked, Steve, how can we stay in love and keep the feelings that we started with. Well, here is one key, hang out with people who are in love like you are in love. Hang out with people who are happy in their relationships. And if you have friends who are downers, guess what you should do? And of course I am asked, but these people are FAMILY! What now? And I still say, maintain the relationships with people who will help you enhance and grow your love and relationships. You may already have found that staying in love, holding onto the great relationship is hard. It can slip away so easily and if your friends or family members are not encouraging that love, affection and relationship by not being encouraging for their own, then guess what? Reduce the time you spend with them. Love is easy, staying in love is hard! I hope if you need support or guidance that you get it early and I will be happy to become one of your mentors and your relationship coach. Because~ I believe in you and I believe in LOVE! Blessings Steve Sapato steve@stevesapato.com

Love, Lust and Puppy Love~ what's the difference~

I recently posted on Facebook how it doesn't matter whether you are in love for two days or twenty years, whether you call is lust or love. What matters is that it feels so amazing that you are open to falling again! I had several people ask me the difference between Love and Lust and then I always insert "Puppy Love" into this conversation because so many people tell the young people that it's not a serious love that it's only puppy love. And yet, there are more teen suicides and violence because of unrequited love than for adults. So is it real love? Obviously it must be. Is it TRUE love, I would say no because true love should never be anything but giving and loving and happiness driven. And 'puppy love' is seldom understanding or giving but typically mostly selfish. When I recommend to people that they go have a great time I am reminded of all of the songs of the past that talk about "love the one you're with" or "just love somebody". Indicating anyone will do! and while on some level I might agree overall those kinds of things are not about love but mostly about sex. So what is the difference between love and lust? My explanation is typically, Love lasts longer while lust is much more superficial. Here's the catch. It isn't when you are going through it. Love and lust feel the same when you are experiencing them. As I interviewed people I had so many people say, "Looking back I now understand what I felt was lust." But many will still deny lust and swear it was love even though they are not feeling that same way towards that partner that they loved then. Lust can be so short and then we understand it is lust because our feelings are gone almost immediately. But for many, lust hangs on to them. So how can we tell the difference between love and lust? Well, lets start of by my reminding you that in my book, The Twenty, I describe how a good relationship might take two or three months to have sex. I know, most of you are screaming WHAT? No way! But all I intend in that is that before we jump into bed that we learn about one another, learn if we are attracted to the person and not the sex. If we laugh and find joy in the relationship and not just in the push and pull of diving into bed. I know for some of you, sex is a very serious endeavor but for others it's pretty routine. A couple dates and our hormones are craving satisfaction. And this IS where love and lust can be separated. If what we are feeling is genuine and loving then when we have sex, make love, fool around, whatever you might call it, we still have a desire moving forward to see that person. And maybe even the next time we see them we won't have sex but completely enjoy the relationship. But way too often, lustful sex leads to that wonderful encounter and the next day you are not even interested in that person. What? Why? How? When what we were feeling seemed so darn genuine. Yes, it is difficult to tell them apart in the beginning. There is another way. Love is about your partner. It always has been and always will be. Lust is all about self. A huge difference for some people but many people can't tell the difference because their idea of LOVE is all about self. Sexually it's all about how I feel and while I care about how my partner feels it is less important than how I feel. Love should always be about your partners happiness. What you can do for them, how you can make them happier by giving them their love language. How you have a need to see them smile, hear them laugh or, sexually, here their pleasure. Now does that help? Lust and Puppy Love are just as intense as falling in Love and maybe even more powerful and almost always short lived. While love can be just as emotionally charged, just as exciting and passionate and will be more fulfilling. Love lingers and keeps a smile on our face for a long long time while lust typically brings a completely different attitude and few smiles after the event. Now that you know the difference I hope you seek to understand love better and that you find that love you have been searching for. Blessings and love Steve Sapato steve@stevesapato.com facebook.com/stevesapato

What can you do to have a great relationship?

What seems to have been such an easy thing to do when we were young turns into a painstaking process for so many as we get older. The question I seem to get in my counseling and speaking engagements is, Steve, why is it so difficult to find the right person. And I hear a lot, I just gave up. So let's talk about why that is. Because when we were young we had very few real expectations: we thought we would just fall in love and live happily ever after. Is that how it worked out for you? For most of us that isn't even close. We have gone through at least one and often times two and three marriages or significant relationships. So? What went wrong? Nothing. We experienced what we needed to experience in order to grow to a place where we truly start a learning process. I know, sounds so trite doesn't it? But when we were young we just expected our marriages to work out and when we realized a marriage/relationship requires so much more than just emotion well, it was usually too late. I wrote The Twenty because everyone seems to be in that same boat of wanting but not getting a great long lasting relationship. So what can we do to find and have a great relationship? Obviously I could write another book about this but... what we can do is understand that we are looking for one special person who can be all that we are looking for (with a couple of exceptions of course). Be patient, be vigilant, be observant and MOST importantly, be willing to go outside of our comfort zone, be willing to change, adapt and grow to become a person who is able to have a great long lasting relationship. And by that I mean... you will have to become the person you are looking for and allow them to be the person they already are. Love them for who they are and change for who they need you to be. If BOTH people are doing this same thing imagine how wonderful your relationship would be? And of course the right person you are looking for will do what you need just like you will do what they need to make your relationship an extraordinary experience for a lifetime. So, what can you do to have a great relationship? Keep looking for the right person and stop trying to make the wrong person fit into your life. Steve~ steve@stevesapato.com is a relationshuip coach and can help you through the difficult times of your life. Write and find out how he can make a difference in your life.

Love and Christmas? I yust go nuts at Chreestmas~

I yust go nuts at Creestmas…  A Love Story

A Svedish play on words. I know, bad pun … but then, Christmas is supposed to be fun, joyous and yet religious.

But for many of us it’s also a time for reflection and loneliness.

Love is an elusive quantity for so many people. We seek and we search and we hope and we cry.  And one of the most frequent questions I hear is, why is it so hard to find someone to love.

That is not the question tho is it. The question is, why is it so hard for us to find someone who can love us the way we need to be loved and who we can love the way they need to be loved.

AH! Now you are getting it! When we were young we didn’t even have to think about love. It just pounced on us! Literally sometimes! We could go from one boyfriend or girlfriend to another in no time at all. Songs were written like, Make a Choice Between her and her sister! That’s how easy love was back then. Not because love was easy but because we fell in love so easily. We didn’t worry about whether it was going to last. We assumed it would because, after all, love would last forever! That’s what all the songs said, the movies showed and… well that was our expectation.

Today? Different story. Reality has beaten us up. The reality of love is that it takes more than just a feeling to make it last. As I wrote my book, The Twenty in all of my interviews I learned that love is never enough. And now that we know this and now that we understand how rare TRUE love is we are almost afraid of even trying. Disappointments litter our past like clouds fill the sky on a rainy day.  What should we do? 

Should we remain in our own fear? Hide out in our own lives and never try to love again?

What are you doing? Is it working?

Here is my solution. It seems to be working for many people and I hope it will work for you.

We stop dwelling.

Yes. Stop dwelling on the evils, negatives, PAIN of the past and start dwelling on those things that were good.

In nearly every relationship there are some good things, some good times and some good that comes out of it. We need to start remembering and dwelling on the good things that happened in that or those relationships.

I had one woman come to me for counseling and in the counseling all she could say was that when her partner ended their two year relationship all she could tell me was that her partner had been using her for sex. No matter what else we talked about she was adamant on the fact that for two years he used her for sex. I asked if they had done things together and had done fun things. She said of course. I asked if it was possible for someone to reach a place where they knew that the person they were dating was probably not the right person for them to spend their life with. She said yes.

But every time she came back to ‘but he was using me for sex’. I even asked her if she enjoyed the sex, if she initiated sex at times and if she was happy with how frequently they had sex. She said yes to all of these questions. So I asked if she might not have been using him for sex? She was horrified… no, I loved him! Was her response.

I asked, wasn’t it possible that he thought he loved her and then found he didn’t?

She said no, he only was using me for sex.

After several more sessions she was finally able to see some of the good things in what he did. She actually came around to realizing that he had done the right thing when he faced her and told her he was not happy in the relationship and that he was ending it.

She stayed a client for several months and learned a lot about herself and how she needed to change her way of thinking about love and relationships. Over the years she had shared with me how she had needed to break a couple guys hearts because she had found they were not the right man for her. At last, she was understanding completely.

Last year I got a note from her and she has found a new love and was planning a marriage. How exciting for her. Three years after thinking she was being used she now realized what real love was and how it was finally going to work for her. She expressed how Christmas had become a time of rejoicing and love and no longer a time for being alone and sad.

If you just go nuts at Christmas because you are feeling alone and sad, please, remember that once upon a time most of us have known love and romance. And that Christmas should be a time to celebrate the love of a higher power and revel in the wonderful things that other people share about their lives.

Be happy for them, share your time with others that are alone and always always always be up beat and positive to help others get through this time of the year when they might be feeling a little down.

Be the light, be the beacon, be the love that motivates the season.

Love and hugs~ Steve Sapato   www.stevesapato.com

Is Dating a lost art?

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With all of the online dating sites, all of the Meetup Groups, all of the options that are available to each and every person out there then why aren’t more of us finding the loves of our lives?

When dating sites first appeared it looked like they would take over the world for helping us find that special someone. Then we found that peoples human nature was not as honest as we believed; old photographs, misleading ages, completely untruthful profiles. Now we are so leery of those things that the “old” dating protocols have gone by the wayside also! We can no longer pick up our dates at the door because now they are afraid we will stalk them! When did that happen? and why didn’t someone beat the crap out of those perverts?

And now what about the actual DATE?

What does each of us expect from a date? What works, what doesn’t? I belong to several special groups and we talk about dating, how to get into a relationship, stay in a relationship or get out of a relationship. We talk about what to do when setting up the date, where people should go and it all is so subjective.

On my recent radio show we had a special guest, a woman with her own radio show and a call in where the man said I recently lost my job and have no money. Is it still ok to ask someone out on a date? The guest said she would not date a man without enough money to buy. The panel of men said he should take her to a place where money is not required. I said, don’t take a new woman out of you can’t afford to date her.

So what is right? I recently was the speaker at an event where the women were angry that men didn’t know how to be men and didn’t know how to plan a date. Didn’t know how to be ‘the man’ in the relationship and decide where they wanted to go on a date and they said men keep asking, ‘where would you like to go?’

The problem seems to be that we are just so set in our own ways. The problem is that we have such high expectations. The problem is that dating used to be simple. 

Now we have learned so much that we have complicated that entire process.

When I was young I would call up a girl, tell her my name and ask her out. When she accepted I would get her address and go pick her up. Then we would go bowling, dancing, dinner, a ball game, a friends house party, and it was always ok. We would demonstrate our personality in how we met and acted at her place, how we opened the door for her, how we respected her by how we looked, what we wore, what cologne we wore.

Now it’s meet at a public place to see if we look like out photo because so many people lie.

And yet, did we do our due diligence? Did you even know this was part of dating now? Did you Google me? Did you search the database to see if my name popped up on the rapist or child molester sites. Did you…. wait, what?

Yes, dating is much more complicated now because we don’t use our own intuition.

Intuition, that comes from allowing your senses to be at work. When you email with me, what questions do you ask? When you speak with me on the phone what are you really seeking to know?

I am asked at my seminars so many unbelievable questions. Some so simple they beg for me to slap the person who asked it. How do I ask if a person has been in jail or prison? How do I ask if they cheated on their spouse? How do I find out if they really work where they said they work?

Really? Really??  How about a simple, where did you say you work? and when they tell you, ask, some more. I.e. So for your job do you need to have business cards? Then ask for one. If they can’t produce it, red flag.

Dating has not become a lost art but rather a most complicated dance that you have to know and understand what you should learn in order to move to level two.

Dating is not any more complicated now than it used to be but we have become much less vigilant. We have allowed the electronic media to determine our thoughts. We need to go back to using our own senses. We need to ask the questions and listen for the voice inflections, the hesitations. We need to learn body language and how a question can create a certain response that we should recognize and a potential situation that we might need more information.

Dating has not become a lost art but rather it has become an art form all of it’s own.

For more information on dating come to a He Said/She Said Workshop in Tampa. The next workshop is October 24th at the DoubleTree Inn by the Airport in Tampa, FL. Register at www.westchasesinglesclub.com

http://www.stevesapato.com where you can find Steve for your coaching needs, relationship advice and dating information. Steve is an author, speaker and relationship coach. He also is a business management specialist with his own company Sapato Seminars, athttp://www.mentalprosperityblog.com

You can purchase his book, The Twenty on Amazon or on his website http://www.stevesapato.com

Love - It's all about them....

Today is THURSDAY! A day to finalize some things and make sure you are ready to finish things up on Friday so you can enjoy that weekend. One of those things is your partner... make sure you make them feel loved and appreciated. Make sure you are ready to make them smile on Saturday morning... a sweet surprise? A small gift? I wonderful adventure? Show them you love them by planning... yes, planning, something special.

When you plan something special you are telling them how much you care, how much you love them, how much you mean to them.

And when your partner understands that you care enough to plan then they will reciprocate with offering you things that will make you feel more loved also.

I know, but Steve, what if my partner doesn't do that? Why should I do that for them if they won't do that for me? What if they don't reciprocate? Why am I always the one doing all of this? When will they do it for me too?

And my answer has always been the same... do it because you understand love. Do it because you have read the Five Love Languages and really 'get it'. Do it because you love them. And I hope that you will feel better because you did that for them.

And if they don't reciprocate. If they don't do it for you. If they never will, never have, and don't... then know that you are sharing your love in a way that makes you feel good about being you. And, after all, loving yourself and being true to yourself is much of what life is all about.

Then, maybe one day, you will see a change in them or maybe one day they will meet someone like me who says, wow, you should be doing this for your partner. And maybe, one day, they will surprise you with a glimmer of what you have been giving to them.

But until they do? Remember to be you and love them the best way you know how. And smile because you are so amazing.   
P.S.  And remember guys, some ladies love coffee in bed or at least that you thought of them that much.

www.stevesapato.com   athor of The Twenty -relationship book and several other ebooks available on Amazon.com

Finding love through fear

Once I thought everyone wanted the same romantic relationship as I did, then I started listening, learning, reading and studying. Now I understand how fragile we all are, how any pain sends most people running into the recesses of their minds and they won't share their real feelings. Fear. Hurt. So now I write from the thousands I have learned from and hope to help you find the person that will help you blossom into the person and with the love you were meant to share.   www.stevesapato.com    www.facebook.com/stevesapato

You allow bad people or good people into your life

For almost 8 years I have been teaching people how to empower themselves. One of my greatest joys in life is teaching women how to empower themselves. I have women ask me, how can you, a man, teach a woman how to be empowered.

I love that question. Because it's so silly. Anyone can teach anyone else if they want to and are open to learning.
Last year at one of my events I had a woman who said she was feeling completely trapped. That she was constantly being pulled this way and that way and that she had no time to be herself. We shared and talked and at the end of day one she was certain she was learning and then she did it... she said she could not come back for the second day because her family needed her to drive and pick up and... and just like that she went right back to empower her family instead of herself.
And if that's what she loves, I say do it! But she just spent several hours sharing with us at different times how she didn't feel valued and felt taken advantage of because of how her family treated her.

You see, if you are not ready to hear a message even if you think you want to hear a message you will hear it but your old habits will pay it no attention.

I recently had a woman tell me that her boyfriend was jealous, controlling and at times, mean to her. I asked her if she liked the way he treated her and she said no. She said she didn't like it at all. And when I asked her what she planned on doing about it she replied, what can I do? I love him.

What do you think?  As a life coach, as a Professional Speaker in empowering yourself should I have set her down and told her what to do? How she should act? Why she shouldn't allow someone to treat her that way?

The answer is, NO! Notice that she did not invite my advice nor did she hire me for my advice. She did not ask what should I do, she merely said she did not like how he treated her but she loved him and therefore allowed him to treat her that way.

So it was truly none of my business.

You see we all allow things into our lives. I teach restaurants how to increase tips for their servers by giving amazing service in ways they have never thought of. And yet I watch customers ALLOW servers to treat them in a manner that is not exceptional. How many times have you or a friend said, my food isn't great and when the server came over and gave your their patented, 'so how is everything tonight folks?' speech you looked at each other and said, "Fine."  You ALLOWED that restaurant to give you less than great food and great service. Yet don't you go to a restaurant to get great food and great service? So why do you allow that to happen to you?
You see, we are all guilty at times of allowing others to treat us in a certain way.

I have the most perfectly respectable West Highland Terrier dog. I can take her anywhere and not leash her and she will stay right by me or if I am playing sand volleyball she will lay under a picnic table waiting for me to finish my game. Other players have brought their dogs but leashed them and when they bark and yelp during the game incessantly and the players will say to me, how do you get your dog to be like that?

And all I say is, I trained her. You see, she now treats me as I taught her to treat me and everyone around me. Respectably.

Do you know you train the people around you how you want to be treated by how you allow them to treat you? Your siblings, parents, children, friends and coworkers. They treat you exactly as you have taught them to treat you.
So if your significant other, your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner treats you badly it is because you have allowed them to treat you that way in the past.

How do you fix it? By empowering yourself to say, please don't treat me like that any more, That is unacceptable to me. I won't allow you to say, do that to me any more.And then take action on what you just said.

I look forward to you teaching people around you how amazing you are and that they should treat you, as you treat them, as i they are all, AMAZING.

www.stevesapato.com  and pick up my free ebook, This One Is For Me! on my site.

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Love sucks~ and other great ideas

Love sucks and other great ideas! When I talk to some people they talk about love like it's the worst thing that ever happened to them and it probably is.

When people come away from love with such a bad attitude about love then all I can say is, they don't understand love. I have interviewed hundreds of people and couples about love: the good, the bad and the ugly.

I have interviewed people who lost the love of their life to death and they still talk about love with magic on their tongues. I have talked to people who lost the love of their life because something went wrong in their relationship and they still talk about love with delight. And I have talked to people who have lost the love of someone they loved because something went wrong and all they can do is talk badly about their partner or badly about love and how love sucks. They talk about how it can't be trusted, and the pain of promises made and the promises broken.

What we find is that love is love. That's all. Love is love and has nothing whatsoever to do with how you were treated, what happened to you or how you feel. The fact that something happened to end the love someone felt towards you is no ones fault. There is no blame. There is no fault. There is only an end to that relationship.

What always surprises me is that some people will always blame someone else for losing that love or falling out of love or lying to them about being in love.

What always surprises me is that some people need to blame someone for love ending. Instead of reveling in the love that they have felt, instead of delighting in the memories they enjoy they instead need to blame and hurt and hold onto the pain that they feel when it ends.

Love will always end in life. For some of us we will love until we die. But when someone dies the physical love they shared with another "dies" also. And the person being loved may never feel that love again except in mental or emotional way. And we seem to understand that.

But when someone else falls out of love with us many of us never understand. Never forgive. Never get over it.

Sad for those who hold onto their pain. Sad that they have the opportunity to love again but because of their own inability to forgive they may never truly share love with someone else again.

For LOVE is a shared emotion when it is between people who are looking for that loving connection. And when one is not complete because they have not forgiven a past failure in love then they are not whole or complete enough to be able to share their broken love with anyone else.

Yes, they might try and you may even be the recipient of this broken love and it will never be complete. It will never fill the void that they have left in their own hearts no matter how much love you offer them.

So when you look to fall in love make sure that it is with someone who is complete. Who has forgiven all past relationships, broken promises and failed loves.

Time can be a great healer but your ability to forgive your old lover as well as forgive yourself are the true keys to finding a new and improved love of your life.

Buy my book The Twenty on Amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/098305570X/ref=cm_pdp_wish_itm_img_4