Ah Love~ is yours just like in the movies?

Don't you just love how the movies and stories portray love. Wheeeeee so wonderful. No problems ever. No one upset because someone looked at the wrong person the wrong way. No one upset because someone didn't take out the garbage or forgot to buy them flowers. No one perturbed (is that how you spell it?) because they disagreed about politics or which TV show to watch or which restaurant to go to for dinner, or why you didn’t bring me a glass of water when you got one for yourself. Ah yes, love~ Now explain to me what you think love is. Yes, what you think love is and why it is or isn’t working for you. What I have found from speaking with hundreds of people is that most of us have this ‘rose colored glasses’ view of love. Most people I speak with are angry at having failed at love and if you look at the cover of my book, The Twenty available on Amazon, the word love is crossed out and written again above it to signify how we have all been wrong in love before. And most of us are so stubborn that when we talk about how to love we say things like, ‘why do I have to change’, ‘why can’t someone love me just as I am’, or ‘I won’t change who I am for someone else’. What I do find oddly funny about those statements is that we are all in a constant state of change no matter how small or insignificant those changes might appear to be. The greatest change people need to make in their quest to find love is in the way in which we communicate. I always recommend two books, of course my book, The Twenty for single people but I talk about the most significant book I have ever read on relationships, one that I teach on in my seminars and that is, The Five love Languages by Gary Chapman. That book should be read by everyone because once you learn what your partners Love Language is and they learn yours it should be an easier task to offer and give them what makes them feel loved and that alone is a HUGE overcoming in any relationship. You make your partner feel loved and they can and probably will forgive most of your shortcomings as you will theirs. That feeling of being loved is such a rare feeling that most of us will give ourselves willing to that partner who once we love them and they make us feel that loved, well, the rest should be history. And therein lays the truth of communication. How we communicate, not just with our words, or our vocal tones, or our body language but with our hearts, souls and minds in offering them the truth, the proving our love by how we give them their love language, how we make them feel loved is the entire key to making your love, the love of your life and living ‘happily ever after’. I hope you do. I have.

Love and Christmas? I yust go nuts at Chreestmas~

I yust go nuts at Creestmas…  A Love Story

A Svedish play on words. I know, bad pun … but then, Christmas is supposed to be fun, joyous and yet religious.

But for many of us it’s also a time for reflection and loneliness.

Love is an elusive quantity for so many people. We seek and we search and we hope and we cry.  And one of the most frequent questions I hear is, why is it so hard to find someone to love.

That is not the question tho is it. The question is, why is it so hard for us to find someone who can love us the way we need to be loved and who we can love the way they need to be loved.

AH! Now you are getting it! When we were young we didn’t even have to think about love. It just pounced on us! Literally sometimes! We could go from one boyfriend or girlfriend to another in no time at all. Songs were written like, Make a Choice Between her and her sister! That’s how easy love was back then. Not because love was easy but because we fell in love so easily. We didn’t worry about whether it was going to last. We assumed it would because, after all, love would last forever! That’s what all the songs said, the movies showed and… well that was our expectation.

Today? Different story. Reality has beaten us up. The reality of love is that it takes more than just a feeling to make it last. As I wrote my book, The Twenty in all of my interviews I learned that love is never enough. And now that we know this and now that we understand how rare TRUE love is we are almost afraid of even trying. Disappointments litter our past like clouds fill the sky on a rainy day.  What should we do? 

Should we remain in our own fear? Hide out in our own lives and never try to love again?

What are you doing? Is it working?

Here is my solution. It seems to be working for many people and I hope it will work for you.

We stop dwelling.

Yes. Stop dwelling on the evils, negatives, PAIN of the past and start dwelling on those things that were good.

In nearly every relationship there are some good things, some good times and some good that comes out of it. We need to start remembering and dwelling on the good things that happened in that or those relationships.

I had one woman come to me for counseling and in the counseling all she could say was that when her partner ended their two year relationship all she could tell me was that her partner had been using her for sex. No matter what else we talked about she was adamant on the fact that for two years he used her for sex. I asked if they had done things together and had done fun things. She said of course. I asked if it was possible for someone to reach a place where they knew that the person they were dating was probably not the right person for them to spend their life with. She said yes.

But every time she came back to ‘but he was using me for sex’. I even asked her if she enjoyed the sex, if she initiated sex at times and if she was happy with how frequently they had sex. She said yes to all of these questions. So I asked if she might not have been using him for sex? She was horrified… no, I loved him! Was her response.

I asked, wasn’t it possible that he thought he loved her and then found he didn’t?

She said no, he only was using me for sex.

After several more sessions she was finally able to see some of the good things in what he did. She actually came around to realizing that he had done the right thing when he faced her and told her he was not happy in the relationship and that he was ending it.

She stayed a client for several months and learned a lot about herself and how she needed to change her way of thinking about love and relationships. Over the years she had shared with me how she had needed to break a couple guys hearts because she had found they were not the right man for her. At last, she was understanding completely.

Last year I got a note from her and she has found a new love and was planning a marriage. How exciting for her. Three years after thinking she was being used she now realized what real love was and how it was finally going to work for her. She expressed how Christmas had become a time of rejoicing and love and no longer a time for being alone and sad.

If you just go nuts at Christmas because you are feeling alone and sad, please, remember that once upon a time most of us have known love and romance. And that Christmas should be a time to celebrate the love of a higher power and revel in the wonderful things that other people share about their lives.

Be happy for them, share your time with others that are alone and always always always be up beat and positive to help others get through this time of the year when they might be feeling a little down.

Be the light, be the beacon, be the love that motivates the season.

Love and hugs~ Steve Sapato   www.stevesapato.com

Fantasies and orgasms~

I recently read/watched an article about that spoke about how women use their minds while men use their bodies in making love. I don't know if I entirely agree with that.... if you were to read the first chapter of my erotic book that I am writing I think you would find that there are men like me out there who are completely into what happens in our minds creates that response and heightens orgasm.

But enough self serving rhetoric. The video went on to say how important the female mind was to your success in achieving orgasm. It also said that there are many women who fake orgasms and who do not achieve orgasm.

I have several speaker friends who are huge on speaking to women (and any man who will listen) about how the female orgasm can bring health and happiness to their lives.
There are videos on Youtube that discuss in great detail the female orgasm.

So then why do we have such huge walls built up that prevent us from talking about it, sharing about it and exploring it in every aspect?
Why do men and women not get down to the base instinct of this and really discuss it? Why fake it? Or is you are one who cannot have an orgasm I have read many many articles that state it is psychological. That it is ONLY your mind that prevents you from having an orgasm.

As I have started to write my erotic novel I have of course gotten over exuberant and shared it with others who I thought might appreciate it. Many for teaching me how to be a better write. others because they asked about it.
And what I have found is no different than all that I have found for the last decade of my life....

Most women are sexually repressed. I didn't say YOU so don't go getting all upset and write to me telling me all about how you are open and and and....
I only say this because in my writings, in my every day conversations, once we break that initial barrier of right and wrong, what your mores taught you, what your nun taught you, what is quote unquote socially acceptable...

Once a women opens herself to a small conversation about her own desires and shares a fantasy or two, then the flood gates have opened.

Once I can help a woman get past what I call her, Oh my god! stage then we can get down to actually finding out her real desires. Helping her to discover the real women that appears to have been bottled up and hiding back in the corner. I have had women call me after a truly intense conversation the day before and cry that they have violated their Christian values. That to even think about doing the things they talked about the night before were tearing them apart. And their guilt was huge upon them and they cry and sob and are lost.

We talk and share and I try to relieve them from their own guilt of merely talking about such things and try to leave the conversation as positive as possible.
And over the years, those same women will reconnect and share with me how that breakthrough changed their lives and their lovemaking and their happiness and joy. How once they learned that they even had these feelings by sharing, reading, talking about any fantasy with me that they learned about themselves. And once they got past their upbringings and the guilt those ideals had held over them, they were amazed at who they could now become.
How they could now share stories and fantasies and how along with that also came the openness to read more, watch more and talk more about their sex lives.
How many of them have gone from a life of few to no orgasms to a life filled with pleasure and orgasms that could now be achieved with little effort and no frustration.

And all of this merely brings me to the whole point of why I am here....

Learn who to share with your partner. Learn how to talk, explore, fantasize... and I don't mean you have to dress up like Little Bo Peep, I mean fantasies texted, written, emailed, tucked under a pillow, a fantasy from that last kiss before someone leaves the house.. but learn that communication and growth are the only ways you will achieve a complete and wonderful love that will last forever.

Don't close them off because their fantasy might be to extreme, because I share it does not mean I want to do it, but maybe just thinking about it will bring you to a place where love, passion, romance and making love will enhance every part of your relationship.

Now go ahead... subscribe to my blog. you can even go to my website and get a free eBook. Or buy my relationship book, The Twenty. or ask me about my new Chapter on the Unintended Casanova.  And most certainly, share this with your friends~  :)
https://www.stevesapato.com

The trouble with LOVE

How many of us would like to be in love right now? How many of us are going out on the town hoping to find that special someone who will fill our hearts with joy and make our hearts skip a beat every time they walk into the room?
The trouble with love is that most of us don't understand it.
Gary Chapman in his newsletters says that PASSIONATE love does not last. I would like to argue that with him but from my personal experience, my passionate love never stopped, but hers did. So I can only argue one sidedly and that does not make for a loving relationship.

The trouble with love is that it takes TWO PEOPLE to make a relationship. TWO!
My book, THE TWENTY, is all about how to stop dating the wrong kinds of people and to find the love of your life and it defines how when we finally do find the love of our life it should last forever!
But, finding the other part of our equation seems a lonely and daunting task.
The trouble with love is that it's not up to us! If it was just up to me I would have already settled into a relationship of love and passion but it seemed like my partner had other ideas! One that did not include me!
On the surface that seems unfortunate but I do know that if they did not choose me then that relationship was not meant to be.
No hard feelings, no challenges, just love for their choice.

So the next time you find someone of interest, know that they might love you for a while and you might love them, but how to keep the PASSIONS alive and forever, you need a forever partner who wants that toooo!

Blessings into your search!
www.stevesapato.com
www.thetwentybook.com