We cannot fix what is not fixed in us.

When I interview people for Love and Relationship work I seldom tell them I am interviewing them. Because when just talking the will tell me their true feelings.

I ask people, what is working in your relationship? What is not working? And I often ask why? On both questions. The answers are astounding by the simplicity and the box they will all fit in.

Why Love Doesn’t Always Work

What I hear are the reasons relationships don’t work as well as they should. I hear people say, their partners are not responsive to their needs. I hear why they think they shouldn’t have to tell their partners what they want. I hear them say they can’t talk about sex. I hear them say their partner doesn’t seem to care how they feel.

I hear people say why their last relationship ended and it’s almost always the other person's fault. They didn’t do this or that. They didn’t understand. They always did this. They started arguments. They wouldn’t do what they should.

I ask, what was your partners greatest strength? What was your partners greatest desire in life? What was their love language – made them feel most loved? And most cannot begin to describe these areas.

Now I ask you, what is your greatest desire in life? What makes you feel loved? What is your greatest strength? Can you answer these three things right now? Quickly now. Can you?

You see, one of our greatest challenges in our relationships is that we don’t know the answers to these questions. And therefore, we most certainly aren’t asking them of our partner.

We cannot fix what is not fixed in us. If we don’t know these answers then no one is asking us those questions either.

Tell me, what is love? Is it just that ‘feeling’ we get when we are around someone? Is it just how our bodies react to someone else’s body? Is it how they make us feel by how they compliment us? Touch us? Make love to us? Is that love? Because when I talk to people, that is what they tell me. Love is ‘that feeling!’

When I wrote the book on Love I learned in all of my interviews that it turned out to be so much more. Most of it was communication. Or the lack thereof.

We don’t know how to talk to one another. We have so many blocks, fears, hang-ups, that are ingrained in us that we often shut down rather than get uncomfortable. We shut the other person down also. One area is sex but there are so many areas where we just cannot talk openly about things. Money is a huge impediment. Imagine I am having financial problems but I can’t talk about it to anyone. It’s forbidden, off limits, non-negotiable. So what happens is we get caught up in our financial woes, start falling behind, and before you know it we are deep in the trouble of money. When possibly a nice easy conversation with some help or guidance could have eliminated all of that trouble to begin with.

Sex is for a whole nother discussion.

If you enjoyed this newsletter, please share it with a friend who can subscribe at www.stevesapato.com

The right one? Or just another flash in the bed...

One of the greatest challenges we face in our quest for love is selecting someone who will be there when the poo hits the fan.

I think you all know what I mean. When times are great, it's easy for us to find a partner we are happy with and settle in to enjoy life. But it's when the times get tough that peoples real personalities come grinding through.

Yes, I found the right one, they are fun, happy, caring, easy to get a long with... and then, the step kids start acting up, or the ex starts showing up or calling or ... or suddenly something happens that requires money and you don't have enough, or you simply say something really stupid and an argument blows up in your face and there is screaming or hollering or they simply walk out.

How will you know if you have a person who will be there even in the tough times?

In my book, The Twenty, I talk about how we need to look for the warning signs. And I don't just mean look, I mean, investigate. Yes, dig deep into YOURSELF to find out the answers.

Wait, Steve, you said dig into myself? Yes... because if you look at your failed relationships objectively you will almost always be able to see red flags/warning signs that this was not the perfect relationship you kept hoping it would be.

I can't tell you how many people I have helped over the years who were distraught and lost and hurt and so much more because their relationship ended. But as we talked, as I injected my system into their lives we fond that almost to a person, they had seen warning signs and chose to ignore them.

You do know they call it dating for a reason, right? That reason is you are supposed to be LOOKING for the warning signs not ignoring them.

And as you find these red flags you need to act upon them. Ok, yes, you want to be loved. Yes you want to be in a relationship. Yes, it's one of the most important things you want in life. But now, let's put aside all of the Man of my dreams, Woman of my fantasy and get hit in the face with reality.

And that is, when you start a relationship it's called dating (when you are supposed to weed out the ones that won't work in the long run). When you are in a relationship is when you start to get deeper feelings than just comfort and sex. This is when you really need to dig in and look at this person like your life depends upon it. It does! Or at least your future does. And that's when you really dig into the 'oh, it's no big deal' flags. It's when you delve into the 'things that irritate you' feelings. It's when you need to solve all of these in order to get to the 'I will love you forever' reality that comes with more than the emotional 'I love you' stage of your relationship.

I teach relationships. It's what I do and if you really want to find the love of your life then follow my proven method of finding someone who will be worthy of your love. You can find love by learning about love and not just stumbling into another relationship and hope it lasts.

Come and learn about love with my proven system, The Learn to Love School of Relationships.

I am Steve Sapato and I can teach you how to find the love you have dreamt about.
Start your journey now

Love is not our natural state of being

When it comes time to find love one of our greatest challenges is US!

I know, no one wants to hear that. I know I didn't.

I was single for almost eleven years. I was on every dating site and went to dozens of meetups and even managed and owned a large singles group in Tampa, FL. I had a great time most of the time but I wasn't meeting the love of my life. I met dozens of wonderful potential partners, started a relationship with a few only to find they were not the ONE that I was looking for. Then a few things happened in my life.

I actually was helping others find love. I was helping them to look inside to themselves. I was told once upon a time that if enough people thought you were being a jerk, then you probably being a jerk and the same thing applies here. If you are going through a lot of potential partners or marriages and none of them are working out, what is the one common denominator? You.

Shame on you Steve, to tell me that I am the root cause of my relationships failures. That my failed marriages are my fault! You didn't know my ex's. You didn't know what kind of person they were.

Wait~ wait....
I did not accuse you or say that you were the CAUSE.

When I wrote THE TWENTY and recently turned it into an audio book it was done with the sole purpose of helping people to find love in their lives. It still is. And part of that journey is discovering that the greatest challenge to finding that ONE person, that amazing love of your life was so simple that it escapes most of us.

Love is not our natural state. YES if love is showered upon as, like most people have when they are babies (oh you are so cute. hug hug hug kiss kiss. Come give momma, daddy, grandma, auntie a kiss) then our reaction is to love back. Notice I said love BACK.

It's very easy to love when we are showered in love but most of our lives we do not receive love like that. Not in the real world. Not at work. Not with our friends. Not even in our safe and supposedly loving relationships. But our natural state is not to show love. We are cautious, stand-offish and leery of people. If you watch babies take toys and things from other babies you will notice that we are bullies and aggressive. Yes, we can show love and affection but that is not our natural place to find ourselves.

And if you understand this then we are on the right track to find love because first we have to understand that love is not our first nature. Many times as we search for love we are anxious and easily swayed by someone who appears to offer us the love we want and desire. And they offer it because they desire it also.

What happens is that after our initial involvement we both tend to revert back to our natural tendencies which are selfish in nature. I want, I need, I expect... you should have, you need to, you are not doing what I want and need you to do!

Now let's go back to why our relationships are not going in the direction we want. It's not that we are to blame for their failure as much as we are responsible for selecting the wrong person to try to have a relationship with.

Step number one in finding a wonderful, amazing, delightful partner is knowing EXACTLY who and what we are looking for. And as I started this article I want to remind you that I was single for almost eleven years before I discovered my perfect partner and STILL after a few months we broke up because WE BOTH still had things to learn, give and grow into, in order to become that perfect partner.

If you read my book or listened to the audio book then you might, maybe, possibly, might have. partially, started, thought about putting together your list of what you want, need and desire in a partner. And I will still tell you this ... if you are serious about finding that person I can help you refine that list into the actual information you need in order to discover that person to share your life with.
Once Kristen Jensen, now Kristen Sapato, refined her own list, she found that I was as much the man of her dreams as she is the Lady of mine.

Taking training on how to love, how to become a more loving person, will help you discover the love for your life. But it is, ongoing, learning and growing because LOVE is not our natural state of being.

I am Steve Sapato founder and creator of Learn To Love School for Relationships. steve@stevesapato.com

Five Steps to finding someone you really want to date:

 Whether we talk about women or men we still have things to figure out but this article is geared towards ladies but can certainly help men as well.

Let’s talk about why you are not having any success in finding anybody much less the ‘right’ person to date.

The basics:  Step one – Change your hair style. Yes, men are attracted to different hairstyles and if you have not had success while sporting a specific hair style then think about changing. Growing it, shortening it, changing the color or the style in general.

And, if what you are saying right now is, I like my hair and I’m keeping it that way, then step number five is really for you.

Step two – Work on your body. Yes, I said it. Your body image is hurting your self-esteem and therefore who you are attracting. I don’t care if you are thin, fat, average. I don’t care if you are big boned, thin boned or have no bones at all, do something to change it. And if you say, I think I look pretty darn good then read step five.

Step three – Change your make-up. Your tan, your non-tan. Change the colors you are wearing on your face. Have you ever looked at someone and asked yourself, what was that person thinking of when they did their make-up? Well, maybe someone is saying that about you. PAY for a real make-over, let a professional do your make-up and then learn how they did it!

Step four – change what you are wearing. Yes, change that look. Change who you are by what people see you wearing. Have you heard the term, dress for success? Well, how you dress will certainly attract a certain type of person and will most efficiently scare others away. Maybe what you are wearing is not drawing the right people to you.

And Step five – change who you are. I don’t care if you are happy with who you are if part of your happiness involves finding the right partner then, like everyone else you have met, become the person you want to date. What’s crazy is most people say, I can’t change. Yes you can. I am the living result of many many changes and so are you. Do you like the exact same things you liked as a child? Same foods? Same games? Same friends? Do you like doing all those things you did as a kid? And I bet you actually had to think about what you used to do because your growth has come so gradually that you didn’t even know you changed except on those rare occasions when you suddenly found yourself eating something you hated as a kid or couldn’t eat the things you loved as a kid.

The same is true of who you are. You have changed hundreds of times over the years and I challenge you now to change again, only this time, make it a deliberate change. Change happens in at least one of three ways and typically in two or three ways; by the things we watch or listen to; by the things we read; by the people we hang around with. Change your friends and change your life. Change and read some great books, articles, emails, blogs and change your life. And change who and what you are listening to, podcasts, music, TV, seminars and workshops.

When you become a new person with deliberate action you can become the person you want to attract into your life.

I know what you are thinking…but I am great just as I am. If that is the case, you will be happy simply being right where you are but if you want to attract that person, then you have to become the type of person you are seeking. Change, grow, become and do it by choosing who you want to be.

I am Steve Sapato and I am the creator of the ‘Learn To Win’ workshops and seminars that change peoples lives. Write to me and let’s get you on the road to your own happiness.

The Happiness Agenda podcast is a good place to start. On iTunes or my website www.stevesapato.com/podcast

Ah Love~ is yours just like in the movies?

Don't you just love how the movies and stories portray love. Wheeeeee so wonderful. No problems ever. No one upset because someone looked at the wrong person the wrong way. No one upset because someone didn't take out the garbage or forgot to buy them flowers. No one perturbed (is that how you spell it?) because they disagreed about politics or which TV show to watch or which restaurant to go to for dinner, or why you didn’t bring me a glass of water when you got one for yourself. Ah yes, love~ Now explain to me what you think love is. Yes, what you think love is and why it is or isn’t working for you. What I have found from speaking with hundreds of people is that most of us have this ‘rose colored glasses’ view of love. Most people I speak with are angry at having failed at love and if you look at the cover of my book, The Twenty available on Amazon, the word love is crossed out and written again above it to signify how we have all been wrong in love before. And most of us are so stubborn that when we talk about how to love we say things like, ‘why do I have to change’, ‘why can’t someone love me just as I am’, or ‘I won’t change who I am for someone else’. What I do find oddly funny about those statements is that we are all in a constant state of change no matter how small or insignificant those changes might appear to be. The greatest change people need to make in their quest to find love is in the way in which we communicate. I always recommend two books, of course my book, The Twenty for single people but I talk about the most significant book I have ever read on relationships, one that I teach on in my seminars and that is, The Five love Languages by Gary Chapman. That book should be read by everyone because once you learn what your partners Love Language is and they learn yours it should be an easier task to offer and give them what makes them feel loved and that alone is a HUGE overcoming in any relationship. You make your partner feel loved and they can and probably will forgive most of your shortcomings as you will theirs. That feeling of being loved is such a rare feeling that most of us will give ourselves willing to that partner who once we love them and they make us feel that loved, well, the rest should be history. And therein lays the truth of communication. How we communicate, not just with our words, or our vocal tones, or our body language but with our hearts, souls and minds in offering them the truth, the proving our love by how we give them their love language, how we make them feel loved is the entire key to making your love, the love of your life and living ‘happily ever after’. I hope you do. I have.

Is Dating a lost art?

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With all of the online dating sites, all of the Meetup Groups, all of the options that are available to each and every person out there then why aren’t more of us finding the loves of our lives?

When dating sites first appeared it looked like they would take over the world for helping us find that special someone. Then we found that peoples human nature was not as honest as we believed; old photographs, misleading ages, completely untruthful profiles. Now we are so leery of those things that the “old” dating protocols have gone by the wayside also! We can no longer pick up our dates at the door because now they are afraid we will stalk them! When did that happen? and why didn’t someone beat the crap out of those perverts?

And now what about the actual DATE?

What does each of us expect from a date? What works, what doesn’t? I belong to several special groups and we talk about dating, how to get into a relationship, stay in a relationship or get out of a relationship. We talk about what to do when setting up the date, where people should go and it all is so subjective.

On my recent radio show we had a special guest, a woman with her own radio show and a call in where the man said I recently lost my job and have no money. Is it still ok to ask someone out on a date? The guest said she would not date a man without enough money to buy. The panel of men said he should take her to a place where money is not required. I said, don’t take a new woman out of you can’t afford to date her.

So what is right? I recently was the speaker at an event where the women were angry that men didn’t know how to be men and didn’t know how to plan a date. Didn’t know how to be ‘the man’ in the relationship and decide where they wanted to go on a date and they said men keep asking, ‘where would you like to go?’

The problem seems to be that we are just so set in our own ways. The problem is that we have such high expectations. The problem is that dating used to be simple. 

Now we have learned so much that we have complicated that entire process.

When I was young I would call up a girl, tell her my name and ask her out. When she accepted I would get her address and go pick her up. Then we would go bowling, dancing, dinner, a ball game, a friends house party, and it was always ok. We would demonstrate our personality in how we met and acted at her place, how we opened the door for her, how we respected her by how we looked, what we wore, what cologne we wore.

Now it’s meet at a public place to see if we look like out photo because so many people lie.

And yet, did we do our due diligence? Did you even know this was part of dating now? Did you Google me? Did you search the database to see if my name popped up on the rapist or child molester sites. Did you…. wait, what?

Yes, dating is much more complicated now because we don’t use our own intuition.

Intuition, that comes from allowing your senses to be at work. When you email with me, what questions do you ask? When you speak with me on the phone what are you really seeking to know?

I am asked at my seminars so many unbelievable questions. Some so simple they beg for me to slap the person who asked it. How do I ask if a person has been in jail or prison? How do I ask if they cheated on their spouse? How do I find out if they really work where they said they work?

Really? Really??  How about a simple, where did you say you work? and when they tell you, ask, some more. I.e. So for your job do you need to have business cards? Then ask for one. If they can’t produce it, red flag.

Dating has not become a lost art but rather a most complicated dance that you have to know and understand what you should learn in order to move to level two.

Dating is not any more complicated now than it used to be but we have become much less vigilant. We have allowed the electronic media to determine our thoughts. We need to go back to using our own senses. We need to ask the questions and listen for the voice inflections, the hesitations. We need to learn body language and how a question can create a certain response that we should recognize and a potential situation that we might need more information.

Dating has not become a lost art but rather it has become an art form all of it’s own.

For more information on dating come to a He Said/She Said Workshop in Tampa. The next workshop is October 24th at the DoubleTree Inn by the Airport in Tampa, FL. Register at www.westchasesinglesclub.com

http://www.stevesapato.com where you can find Steve for your coaching needs, relationship advice and dating information. Steve is an author, speaker and relationship coach. He also is a business management specialist with his own company Sapato Seminars, athttp://www.mentalprosperityblog.com

You can purchase his book, The Twenty on Amazon or on his website http://www.stevesapato.com

Finding love through fear

Once I thought everyone wanted the same romantic relationship as I did, then I started listening, learning, reading and studying. Now I understand how fragile we all are, how any pain sends most people running into the recesses of their minds and they won't share their real feelings. Fear. Hurt. So now I write from the thousands I have learned from and hope to help you find the person that will help you blossom into the person and with the love you were meant to share.   www.stevesapato.com    www.facebook.com/stevesapato

The trouble with LOVE

How many of us would like to be in love right now? How many of us are going out on the town hoping to find that special someone who will fill our hearts with joy and make our hearts skip a beat every time they walk into the room?
The trouble with love is that most of us don't understand it.
Gary Chapman in his newsletters says that PASSIONATE love does not last. I would like to argue that with him but from my personal experience, my passionate love never stopped, but hers did. So I can only argue one sidedly and that does not make for a loving relationship.

The trouble with love is that it takes TWO PEOPLE to make a relationship. TWO!
My book, THE TWENTY, is all about how to stop dating the wrong kinds of people and to find the love of your life and it defines how when we finally do find the love of our life it should last forever!
But, finding the other part of our equation seems a lonely and daunting task.
The trouble with love is that it's not up to us! If it was just up to me I would have already settled into a relationship of love and passion but it seemed like my partner had other ideas! One that did not include me!
On the surface that seems unfortunate but I do know that if they did not choose me then that relationship was not meant to be.
No hard feelings, no challenges, just love for their choice.

So the next time you find someone of interest, know that they might love you for a while and you might love them, but how to keep the PASSIONS alive and forever, you need a forever partner who wants that toooo!

Blessings into your search!
www.stevesapato.com
www.thetwentybook.com

Want to find the love of your life?

Would you like to find the love of your life?

When most people are asked if they would like to find the love of their life they answer with –yeah, right! We have stopped believing in the love of your life. We want it, we desire it, we even talk about, write about it and make movies about it… but most of us don’t believe it. Why?
We have faced the reality of broken hearts and lost loves and we have become calloused

But what if you could plan for it? What if you could increase your chances from not-a-chance-in-hell to better than 50/50 that the next person you give your heart to will be your one-in-a-million?

It’s all possible if you know the secrets to finding The ONE.

Yup, this is a plug! My new book, The TWENTY (things you need to learn in order to find the love of your life).

Send your lonely and frustrated friends to my website to order it NOW! You will love it!
www.stevesapato.com

Blessings into your search
Steve

What keeps passion alive?

Welcome to Steve's Blog
Passion
Steve Sapato: Posted on Sunday, September 19, 2010 9:27 PM
I believe that what creates passion in our lives is our own desire to know more... more about this person, more about this topic, more about... the reason passion wanes in our relationship is because we have stopped wanting to know more and believe and take for granted the one we think we know. Fire up the passion by learning more about your partner. Think you know them well? Try going into separate rooms and writing down your top ten goals for 1) Family- what you want to do 2) Travel - where you want to go, see and do 3) Home - what you want your home to look like, contain, become 4) Money- how much you want, how you will achieve it, save it, spend it 5) Become - what YOU want to achieve in your life personally, education? Job? romance? travel? profession


then come back into the room in 20 minutes and compare. Never never never make fun of their list, or ridicule their list, or negate what they want. Just learn about your partner and create the passion again.

www.stevesapato.com

Love is finding something within another

I love this story but it brings up so many questions to me? So before you start this story... think of this... when you fell in love with your partner you had all of these loving and romantic beliefs in them. Over the years one or both have lost that amazement.

Now read this wonderful story and think of your love and how you are loved... who is noticing? Who is not...
www.stevesapato.com



PERCEPTION
In Washington, DC, at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule. About 4 minutes later: The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk. At 6 minutes: A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.At 10 minutes: A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent - without exception - forced their children to move on quickly.At 45 minutes: The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32. After 1 hour: He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world.
He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music. Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities. This experiment raised several questions:

*In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?
*If so, do we stop to appreciate it?
*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?
One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:
If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made . . .How many other things are we missing as we rush through life?

The Truth About LOVE

When most people think about love it is talked about in a very unreal experiential way. It is an unreal event happening in a real way and time. It is the quintessential form of flattery to fall in love with someone and to share that love.
But what is LOVE? Is it a feeling, an emotion, a cloud that cannot be measured or tested or touched? Love is a very real emotion but it is induced by a very unreal expectation.

When we think of love we think of a fairy-tale kind of experience. The la-te-da of emotions. The oh happy days of life.

But when we are experiencing love it is very real. typically painful. usually short lived, and seldom has the desired outcome in the long term event culminated by the emotions which we call, marriage!

So the next time you 'fall in love' remember that love is an emotion and can be affected by unreal or unrealized feelings that will lead us to often to a place where we will experience pain for having fallen in love.

Check out the new book called The Twenty, thing you need to learn in order to find the love of your life. www.stevesapato.com

Falling in love is easy

Falling in love is easy but finding the right partner is hard! So why is it so hard? because we lead with our hearts, our emotions, we lead with how someone looks and makes us feel. But are you on your best behavior when you first meet someone? Do you try hard to make them feel special?

Well so does your partner if they are even remotely trying to be a good partner.

So how do you make sure they are who they 'pretend' to be right from the start? There are lots and lots of ways but I train you in all of that in my new book, THE TWENTY about knowing the twenty things to find the love of your life and stop dating the wrong kind of people. It's a process of listening, learning and growing with a person. and of course asking the right series of questions.

So when you think you have found the love of your life... how will you know? Time. patience and knowledge... and the right techniques for learning all of that in the shortest possible time BEFORE you commit your heart.
Blessings into your search. www.stevesapato.com