Love is not our natural state of being

When it comes time to find love one of our greatest challenges is US!

I know, no one wants to hear that. I know I didn't.

I was single for almost eleven years. I was on every dating site and went to dozens of meetups and even managed and owned a large singles group in Tampa, FL. I had a great time most of the time but I wasn't meeting the love of my life. I met dozens of wonderful potential partners, started a relationship with a few only to find they were not the ONE that I was looking for. Then a few things happened in my life.

I actually was helping others find love. I was helping them to look inside to themselves. I was told once upon a time that if enough people thought you were being a jerk, then you probably being a jerk and the same thing applies here. If you are going through a lot of potential partners or marriages and none of them are working out, what is the one common denominator? You.

Shame on you Steve, to tell me that I am the root cause of my relationships failures. That my failed marriages are my fault! You didn't know my ex's. You didn't know what kind of person they were.

Wait~ wait....
I did not accuse you or say that you were the CAUSE.

When I wrote THE TWENTY and recently turned it into an audio book it was done with the sole purpose of helping people to find love in their lives. It still is. And part of that journey is discovering that the greatest challenge to finding that ONE person, that amazing love of your life was so simple that it escapes most of us.

Love is not our natural state. YES if love is showered upon as, like most people have when they are babies (oh you are so cute. hug hug hug kiss kiss. Come give momma, daddy, grandma, auntie a kiss) then our reaction is to love back. Notice I said love BACK.

It's very easy to love when we are showered in love but most of our lives we do not receive love like that. Not in the real world. Not at work. Not with our friends. Not even in our safe and supposedly loving relationships. But our natural state is not to show love. We are cautious, stand-offish and leery of people. If you watch babies take toys and things from other babies you will notice that we are bullies and aggressive. Yes, we can show love and affection but that is not our natural place to find ourselves.

And if you understand this then we are on the right track to find love because first we have to understand that love is not our first nature. Many times as we search for love we are anxious and easily swayed by someone who appears to offer us the love we want and desire. And they offer it because they desire it also.

What happens is that after our initial involvement we both tend to revert back to our natural tendencies which are selfish in nature. I want, I need, I expect... you should have, you need to, you are not doing what I want and need you to do!

Now let's go back to why our relationships are not going in the direction we want. It's not that we are to blame for their failure as much as we are responsible for selecting the wrong person to try to have a relationship with.

Step number one in finding a wonderful, amazing, delightful partner is knowing EXACTLY who and what we are looking for. And as I started this article I want to remind you that I was single for almost eleven years before I discovered my perfect partner and STILL after a few months we broke up because WE BOTH still had things to learn, give and grow into, in order to become that perfect partner.

If you read my book or listened to the audio book then you might, maybe, possibly, might have. partially, started, thought about putting together your list of what you want, need and desire in a partner. And I will still tell you this ... if you are serious about finding that person I can help you refine that list into the actual information you need in order to discover that person to share your life with.
Once Kristen Jensen, now Kristen Sapato, refined her own list, she found that I was as much the man of her dreams as she is the Lady of mine.

Taking training on how to love, how to become a more loving person, will help you discover the love for your life. But it is, ongoing, learning and growing because LOVE is not our natural state of being.

I am Steve Sapato founder and creator of Learn To Love School for Relationships. steve@stevesapato.com

Finding love through fear

Once I thought everyone wanted the same romantic relationship as I did, then I started listening, learning, reading and studying. Now I understand how fragile we all are, how any pain sends most people running into the recesses of their minds and they won't share their real feelings. Fear. Hurt. So now I write from the thousands I have learned from and hope to help you find the person that will help you blossom into the person and with the love you were meant to share.   www.stevesapato.com    www.facebook.com/stevesapato

I have always been the person that people come to when they have a question about their relationship. I am not sure why. Something in me. Something I offer. But I also know that when I give I receive.

I have women ask me very personal questions. Intimate. Detailed.

But recently an acquaintance, someone that I would have entertained a relationship with at one time in my life and who has been in touch with me for a while stepped up to the plate and invited me to hear what she had to say to me.

You see, it was my turn to listen once again. But this time it was for me to listen with the intent to hear and not to respond or help.
This person proceeded to share with me that I had hurt her feelings once upon a time. And I, in my infinite wisdom could not even remember the conversation.

You see, what often times hurts another we do not see or even understand. She shared with me the entire conversation. She had either saved it in her journal or memorized it in her pain. I, in my wonderful lack of insight, had no recollection of the conversation. You see, to me, it was just a casual conversation, a place that I used as an example of how others say things they do not even know they say... and the strange part of that was, that was exactly what I had done to her.

She explained to me that in our conversations instead of being the loving, considerate and generous person she read on my facebook wall, that I was a hardnosed individual who had a need to be right, sometimes aggressive and often times rude.

Of course this hurt my feelings but sometimes it takes such an awakening to make us aware of our own shortcomings. This was one of those times.

Just learning that I had at one time hurt her feelings and upset her made me feel bad. I desire to help and hold up people and would not wish it known that I deliberately or with neglect had offended or hurt someone and seemed unkind or unloving. So just learning this from her already brought me pain.

To further learn that she thought I was the person who needed to be right, was flippant and uncaring, and even rude was a slap to my face.

One thing I have learned it that if someone genuinely comes to you with respect and with a good heart that they are saying what they felt. Even if I believe it was untrue they believed it was true. Now knowing this. who would you believe. Yourself? or the other person.

Most of us would say... we would believe ourselves. In this situation, because I know her heart, I believed her. And therefore realized I need to do some internal change upon myself.

I share this, not because I want to tell you all about me but because so many of us don't want to believe what others say about us. We have our own protective barriers up and we keep ourselves insulated against words that would hurt us or ridicule us or make us feel badly about ourselves.

That is normally a good thing because so many people do say careless and flippant things, even mean things that could hurt us.

But if you know someones heart. If you know their desire to be honest with you. And if you understand that we all make mistakes, then you will listen, even more, you will hear what the other person has to say. Take it to heart. And make changes.

If you have a partner and that partner comes to you, shares with you and offers themselves to you to try to help you understand something you did or it might have been something you didn't do but should have then you might find yourself in this situation.

A situation that requires you to be open and honest with yourself. And in this fashion it is your opportunity to become someone better than you were before they came to you.

I hope, that one day soon, someone you truly care about comes to you and helps you to become a better person.

After all, that is what love is. Sharing, caring and growing together.

Much love~
Steve
www.stevesapato.com

Fantasies and orgasms~

I recently read/watched an article about that spoke about how women use their minds while men use their bodies in making love. I don't know if I entirely agree with that.... if you were to read the first chapter of my erotic book that I am writing I think you would find that there are men like me out there who are completely into what happens in our minds creates that response and heightens orgasm.

But enough self serving rhetoric. The video went on to say how important the female mind was to your success in achieving orgasm. It also said that there are many women who fake orgasms and who do not achieve orgasm.

I have several speaker friends who are huge on speaking to women (and any man who will listen) about how the female orgasm can bring health and happiness to their lives.
There are videos on Youtube that discuss in great detail the female orgasm.

So then why do we have such huge walls built up that prevent us from talking about it, sharing about it and exploring it in every aspect?
Why do men and women not get down to the base instinct of this and really discuss it? Why fake it? Or is you are one who cannot have an orgasm I have read many many articles that state it is psychological. That it is ONLY your mind that prevents you from having an orgasm.

As I have started to write my erotic novel I have of course gotten over exuberant and shared it with others who I thought might appreciate it. Many for teaching me how to be a better write. others because they asked about it.
And what I have found is no different than all that I have found for the last decade of my life....

Most women are sexually repressed. I didn't say YOU so don't go getting all upset and write to me telling me all about how you are open and and and....
I only say this because in my writings, in my every day conversations, once we break that initial barrier of right and wrong, what your mores taught you, what your nun taught you, what is quote unquote socially acceptable...

Once a women opens herself to a small conversation about her own desires and shares a fantasy or two, then the flood gates have opened.

Once I can help a woman get past what I call her, Oh my god! stage then we can get down to actually finding out her real desires. Helping her to discover the real women that appears to have been bottled up and hiding back in the corner. I have had women call me after a truly intense conversation the day before and cry that they have violated their Christian values. That to even think about doing the things they talked about the night before were tearing them apart. And their guilt was huge upon them and they cry and sob and are lost.

We talk and share and I try to relieve them from their own guilt of merely talking about such things and try to leave the conversation as positive as possible.
And over the years, those same women will reconnect and share with me how that breakthrough changed their lives and their lovemaking and their happiness and joy. How once they learned that they even had these feelings by sharing, reading, talking about any fantasy with me that they learned about themselves. And once they got past their upbringings and the guilt those ideals had held over them, they were amazed at who they could now become.
How they could now share stories and fantasies and how along with that also came the openness to read more, watch more and talk more about their sex lives.
How many of them have gone from a life of few to no orgasms to a life filled with pleasure and orgasms that could now be achieved with little effort and no frustration.

And all of this merely brings me to the whole point of why I am here....

Learn who to share with your partner. Learn how to talk, explore, fantasize... and I don't mean you have to dress up like Little Bo Peep, I mean fantasies texted, written, emailed, tucked under a pillow, a fantasy from that last kiss before someone leaves the house.. but learn that communication and growth are the only ways you will achieve a complete and wonderful love that will last forever.

Don't close them off because their fantasy might be to extreme, because I share it does not mean I want to do it, but maybe just thinking about it will bring you to a place where love, passion, romance and making love will enhance every part of your relationship.

Now go ahead... subscribe to my blog. you can even go to my website and get a free eBook. Or buy my relationship book, The Twenty. or ask me about my new Chapter on the Unintended Casanova.  And most certainly, share this with your friends~  :)
https://www.stevesapato.com

Falling in love is easy

Falling in love is easy but finding the right partner is hard! So why is it so hard? because we lead with our hearts, our emotions, we lead with how someone looks and makes us feel. But are you on your best behavior when you first meet someone? Do you try hard to make them feel special?

Well so does your partner if they are even remotely trying to be a good partner.

So how do you make sure they are who they 'pretend' to be right from the start? There are lots and lots of ways but I train you in all of that in my new book, THE TWENTY about knowing the twenty things to find the love of your life and stop dating the wrong kind of people. It's a process of listening, learning and growing with a person. and of course asking the right series of questions.

So when you think you have found the love of your life... how will you know? Time. patience and knowledge... and the right techniques for learning all of that in the shortest possible time BEFORE you commit your heart.
Blessings into your search. www.stevesapato.com