We cannot fix what is not fixed in us.

When I interview people for Love and Relationship work I seldom tell them I am interviewing them. Because when just talking the will tell me their true feelings.

I ask people, what is working in your relationship? What is not working? And I often ask why? On both questions. The answers are astounding by the simplicity and the box they will all fit in.

Why Love Doesn’t Always Work

What I hear are the reasons relationships don’t work as well as they should. I hear people say, their partners are not responsive to their needs. I hear why they think they shouldn’t have to tell their partners what they want. I hear them say they can’t talk about sex. I hear them say their partner doesn’t seem to care how they feel.

I hear people say why their last relationship ended and it’s almost always the other person's fault. They didn’t do this or that. They didn’t understand. They always did this. They started arguments. They wouldn’t do what they should.

I ask, what was your partners greatest strength? What was your partners greatest desire in life? What was their love language – made them feel most loved? And most cannot begin to describe these areas.

Now I ask you, what is your greatest desire in life? What makes you feel loved? What is your greatest strength? Can you answer these three things right now? Quickly now. Can you?

You see, one of our greatest challenges in our relationships is that we don’t know the answers to these questions. And therefore, we most certainly aren’t asking them of our partner.

We cannot fix what is not fixed in us. If we don’t know these answers then no one is asking us those questions either.

Tell me, what is love? Is it just that ‘feeling’ we get when we are around someone? Is it just how our bodies react to someone else’s body? Is it how they make us feel by how they compliment us? Touch us? Make love to us? Is that love? Because when I talk to people, that is what they tell me. Love is ‘that feeling!’

When I wrote the book on Love I learned in all of my interviews that it turned out to be so much more. Most of it was communication. Or the lack thereof.

We don’t know how to talk to one another. We have so many blocks, fears, hang-ups, that are ingrained in us that we often shut down rather than get uncomfortable. We shut the other person down also. One area is sex but there are so many areas where we just cannot talk openly about things. Money is a huge impediment. Imagine I am having financial problems but I can’t talk about it to anyone. It’s forbidden, off limits, non-negotiable. So what happens is we get caught up in our financial woes, start falling behind, and before you know it we are deep in the trouble of money. When possibly a nice easy conversation with some help or guidance could have eliminated all of that trouble to begin with.

Sex is for a whole nother discussion.

If you enjoyed this newsletter, please share it with a friend who can subscribe at www.stevesapato.com

Love is not our natural state of being

When it comes time to find love one of our greatest challenges is US!

I know, no one wants to hear that. I know I didn't.

I was single for almost eleven years. I was on every dating site and went to dozens of meetups and even managed and owned a large singles group in Tampa, FL. I had a great time most of the time but I wasn't meeting the love of my life. I met dozens of wonderful potential partners, started a relationship with a few only to find they were not the ONE that I was looking for. Then a few things happened in my life.

I actually was helping others find love. I was helping them to look inside to themselves. I was told once upon a time that if enough people thought you were being a jerk, then you probably being a jerk and the same thing applies here. If you are going through a lot of potential partners or marriages and none of them are working out, what is the one common denominator? You.

Shame on you Steve, to tell me that I am the root cause of my relationships failures. That my failed marriages are my fault! You didn't know my ex's. You didn't know what kind of person they were.

Wait~ wait....
I did not accuse you or say that you were the CAUSE.

When I wrote THE TWENTY and recently turned it into an audio book it was done with the sole purpose of helping people to find love in their lives. It still is. And part of that journey is discovering that the greatest challenge to finding that ONE person, that amazing love of your life was so simple that it escapes most of us.

Love is not our natural state. YES if love is showered upon as, like most people have when they are babies (oh you are so cute. hug hug hug kiss kiss. Come give momma, daddy, grandma, auntie a kiss) then our reaction is to love back. Notice I said love BACK.

It's very easy to love when we are showered in love but most of our lives we do not receive love like that. Not in the real world. Not at work. Not with our friends. Not even in our safe and supposedly loving relationships. But our natural state is not to show love. We are cautious, stand-offish and leery of people. If you watch babies take toys and things from other babies you will notice that we are bullies and aggressive. Yes, we can show love and affection but that is not our natural place to find ourselves.

And if you understand this then we are on the right track to find love because first we have to understand that love is not our first nature. Many times as we search for love we are anxious and easily swayed by someone who appears to offer us the love we want and desire. And they offer it because they desire it also.

What happens is that after our initial involvement we both tend to revert back to our natural tendencies which are selfish in nature. I want, I need, I expect... you should have, you need to, you are not doing what I want and need you to do!

Now let's go back to why our relationships are not going in the direction we want. It's not that we are to blame for their failure as much as we are responsible for selecting the wrong person to try to have a relationship with.

Step number one in finding a wonderful, amazing, delightful partner is knowing EXACTLY who and what we are looking for. And as I started this article I want to remind you that I was single for almost eleven years before I discovered my perfect partner and STILL after a few months we broke up because WE BOTH still had things to learn, give and grow into, in order to become that perfect partner.

If you read my book or listened to the audio book then you might, maybe, possibly, might have. partially, started, thought about putting together your list of what you want, need and desire in a partner. And I will still tell you this ... if you are serious about finding that person I can help you refine that list into the actual information you need in order to discover that person to share your life with.
Once Kristen Jensen, now Kristen Sapato, refined her own list, she found that I was as much the man of her dreams as she is the Lady of mine.

Taking training on how to love, how to become a more loving person, will help you discover the love for your life. But it is, ongoing, learning and growing because LOVE is not our natural state of being.

I am Steve Sapato founder and creator of Learn To Love School for Relationships. steve@stevesapato.com

Five Steps to finding someone you really want to date:

 Whether we talk about women or men we still have things to figure out but this article is geared towards ladies but can certainly help men as well.

Let’s talk about why you are not having any success in finding anybody much less the ‘right’ person to date.

The basics:  Step one – Change your hair style. Yes, men are attracted to different hairstyles and if you have not had success while sporting a specific hair style then think about changing. Growing it, shortening it, changing the color or the style in general.

And, if what you are saying right now is, I like my hair and I’m keeping it that way, then step number five is really for you.

Step two – Work on your body. Yes, I said it. Your body image is hurting your self-esteem and therefore who you are attracting. I don’t care if you are thin, fat, average. I don’t care if you are big boned, thin boned or have no bones at all, do something to change it. And if you say, I think I look pretty darn good then read step five.

Step three – Change your make-up. Your tan, your non-tan. Change the colors you are wearing on your face. Have you ever looked at someone and asked yourself, what was that person thinking of when they did their make-up? Well, maybe someone is saying that about you. PAY for a real make-over, let a professional do your make-up and then learn how they did it!

Step four – change what you are wearing. Yes, change that look. Change who you are by what people see you wearing. Have you heard the term, dress for success? Well, how you dress will certainly attract a certain type of person and will most efficiently scare others away. Maybe what you are wearing is not drawing the right people to you.

And Step five – change who you are. I don’t care if you are happy with who you are if part of your happiness involves finding the right partner then, like everyone else you have met, become the person you want to date. What’s crazy is most people say, I can’t change. Yes you can. I am the living result of many many changes and so are you. Do you like the exact same things you liked as a child? Same foods? Same games? Same friends? Do you like doing all those things you did as a kid? And I bet you actually had to think about what you used to do because your growth has come so gradually that you didn’t even know you changed except on those rare occasions when you suddenly found yourself eating something you hated as a kid or couldn’t eat the things you loved as a kid.

The same is true of who you are. You have changed hundreds of times over the years and I challenge you now to change again, only this time, make it a deliberate change. Change happens in at least one of three ways and typically in two or three ways; by the things we watch or listen to; by the things we read; by the people we hang around with. Change your friends and change your life. Change and read some great books, articles, emails, blogs and change your life. And change who and what you are listening to, podcasts, music, TV, seminars and workshops.

When you become a new person with deliberate action you can become the person you want to attract into your life.

I know what you are thinking…but I am great just as I am. If that is the case, you will be happy simply being right where you are but if you want to attract that person, then you have to become the type of person you are seeking. Change, grow, become and do it by choosing who you want to be.

I am Steve Sapato and I am the creator of the ‘Learn To Win’ workshops and seminars that change peoples lives. Write to me and let’s get you on the road to your own happiness.

The Happiness Agenda podcast is a good place to start. On iTunes or my website www.stevesapato.com/podcast

Love is never enough to make a relationship. And one other huge mistake you are making..

Love is never enough to make a relationship.  And one other huge mistake you are making..

Love is never enough and yet that is what most of us base our primary relationship on! LOVE alone.

Oh I know what you are saying, not me Steve. I want much more and I look for much more. Really? Ok, here is your test, pull out your note, message, list, goals for at least ten things other than love that you are looking for. Yes, take it out of your wallet, your purse, your desk drawer. Pull it off of your fridge or wherever you are keeping it.

Oh, you don’t have it? Ok, then right now, right here, while you are reading this, write down those things. Yes, right now write them down. You do know them correct?

And I don’t mean those crummy generic guesses. I don’t mean, I want love, and someone who will treat me right, and someone who respects me, and someone who will take care of me, and someone who won’t cheat on me, and someone who wants to do things with me…

Nope. Not going to let you get by with that. NO!

When we say love is never enough and that most people make their choices based on their emotions, based upon that wonderful euphoric feeling called love. That thing that distracts you and blinds you and allows you to look right past some of the most horrible obvious things that tell your friends, danger Will Robinson! Danger!

You see if you allow your ego and your stubbornness to keep you from writing down the things you really want in your next partner you are making your second huge mistake. Write down specific things. I don’t just want someone who will treat me right, by right I mean …   and then describe in detail what you mean. Describe each generic goal in specifics. I want someone who will love me.. what does love mean to you? Is it hugging? Kissing? Is it being supportive or being strong with you? Is it sharing quality time and being close? What does ‘love me’ mean?

If you have those things written down they will be more concrete in your mind. They will rise to the surface and remind you when that someone you love might be great to love but horrible to be friends with. Terrible to spend hours, days and years with.

So now that you have a clue. Get started. Start writing and don’t stop until you have a whole bunch of specific things you want and don’t want in your next partner. And that is the one step of many to your finding the love of your life.

Want more tips? Subscribe to my podcasts. Go to www.stevesapato.com and click on the newsletter sign up to receive news each time I post a new podcast and one newsletter ever two weeks to help you discover some secrets to LOVE.

Steve