We cannot fix what is not fixed in us.

When I interview people for Love and Relationship work I seldom tell them I am interviewing them. Because when just talking the will tell me their true feelings.

I ask people, what is working in your relationship? What is not working? And I often ask why? On both questions. The answers are astounding by the simplicity and the box they will all fit in.

Why Love Doesn’t Always Work

What I hear are the reasons relationships don’t work as well as they should. I hear people say, their partners are not responsive to their needs. I hear why they think they shouldn’t have to tell their partners what they want. I hear them say they can’t talk about sex. I hear them say their partner doesn’t seem to care how they feel.

I hear people say why their last relationship ended and it’s almost always the other person's fault. They didn’t do this or that. They didn’t understand. They always did this. They started arguments. They wouldn’t do what they should.

I ask, what was your partners greatest strength? What was your partners greatest desire in life? What was their love language – made them feel most loved? And most cannot begin to describe these areas.

Now I ask you, what is your greatest desire in life? What makes you feel loved? What is your greatest strength? Can you answer these three things right now? Quickly now. Can you?

You see, one of our greatest challenges in our relationships is that we don’t know the answers to these questions. And therefore, we most certainly aren’t asking them of our partner.

We cannot fix what is not fixed in us. If we don’t know these answers then no one is asking us those questions either.

Tell me, what is love? Is it just that ‘feeling’ we get when we are around someone? Is it just how our bodies react to someone else’s body? Is it how they make us feel by how they compliment us? Touch us? Make love to us? Is that love? Because when I talk to people, that is what they tell me. Love is ‘that feeling!’

When I wrote the book on Love I learned in all of my interviews that it turned out to be so much more. Most of it was communication. Or the lack thereof.

We don’t know how to talk to one another. We have so many blocks, fears, hang-ups, that are ingrained in us that we often shut down rather than get uncomfortable. We shut the other person down also. One area is sex but there are so many areas where we just cannot talk openly about things. Money is a huge impediment. Imagine I am having financial problems but I can’t talk about it to anyone. It’s forbidden, off limits, non-negotiable. So what happens is we get caught up in our financial woes, start falling behind, and before you know it we are deep in the trouble of money. When possibly a nice easy conversation with some help or guidance could have eliminated all of that trouble to begin with.

Sex is for a whole nother discussion.

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Love is not our natural state of being

When it comes time to find love one of our greatest challenges is US!

I know, no one wants to hear that. I know I didn't.

I was single for almost eleven years. I was on every dating site and went to dozens of meetups and even managed and owned a large singles group in Tampa, FL. I had a great time most of the time but I wasn't meeting the love of my life. I met dozens of wonderful potential partners, started a relationship with a few only to find they were not the ONE that I was looking for. Then a few things happened in my life.

I actually was helping others find love. I was helping them to look inside to themselves. I was told once upon a time that if enough people thought you were being a jerk, then you probably being a jerk and the same thing applies here. If you are going through a lot of potential partners or marriages and none of them are working out, what is the one common denominator? You.

Shame on you Steve, to tell me that I am the root cause of my relationships failures. That my failed marriages are my fault! You didn't know my ex's. You didn't know what kind of person they were.

Wait~ wait....
I did not accuse you or say that you were the CAUSE.

When I wrote THE TWENTY and recently turned it into an audio book it was done with the sole purpose of helping people to find love in their lives. It still is. And part of that journey is discovering that the greatest challenge to finding that ONE person, that amazing love of your life was so simple that it escapes most of us.

Love is not our natural state. YES if love is showered upon as, like most people have when they are babies (oh you are so cute. hug hug hug kiss kiss. Come give momma, daddy, grandma, auntie a kiss) then our reaction is to love back. Notice I said love BACK.

It's very easy to love when we are showered in love but most of our lives we do not receive love like that. Not in the real world. Not at work. Not with our friends. Not even in our safe and supposedly loving relationships. But our natural state is not to show love. We are cautious, stand-offish and leery of people. If you watch babies take toys and things from other babies you will notice that we are bullies and aggressive. Yes, we can show love and affection but that is not our natural place to find ourselves.

And if you understand this then we are on the right track to find love because first we have to understand that love is not our first nature. Many times as we search for love we are anxious and easily swayed by someone who appears to offer us the love we want and desire. And they offer it because they desire it also.

What happens is that after our initial involvement we both tend to revert back to our natural tendencies which are selfish in nature. I want, I need, I expect... you should have, you need to, you are not doing what I want and need you to do!

Now let's go back to why our relationships are not going in the direction we want. It's not that we are to blame for their failure as much as we are responsible for selecting the wrong person to try to have a relationship with.

Step number one in finding a wonderful, amazing, delightful partner is knowing EXACTLY who and what we are looking for. And as I started this article I want to remind you that I was single for almost eleven years before I discovered my perfect partner and STILL after a few months we broke up because WE BOTH still had things to learn, give and grow into, in order to become that perfect partner.

If you read my book or listened to the audio book then you might, maybe, possibly, might have. partially, started, thought about putting together your list of what you want, need and desire in a partner. And I will still tell you this ... if you are serious about finding that person I can help you refine that list into the actual information you need in order to discover that person to share your life with.
Once Kristen Jensen, now Kristen Sapato, refined her own list, she found that I was as much the man of her dreams as she is the Lady of mine.

Taking training on how to love, how to become a more loving person, will help you discover the love for your life. But it is, ongoing, learning and growing because LOVE is not our natural state of being.

I am Steve Sapato founder and creator of Learn To Love School for Relationships. steve@stevesapato.com

Five Steps to finding someone you really want to date:

 Whether we talk about women or men we still have things to figure out but this article is geared towards ladies but can certainly help men as well.

Let’s talk about why you are not having any success in finding anybody much less the ‘right’ person to date.

The basics:  Step one – Change your hair style. Yes, men are attracted to different hairstyles and if you have not had success while sporting a specific hair style then think about changing. Growing it, shortening it, changing the color or the style in general.

And, if what you are saying right now is, I like my hair and I’m keeping it that way, then step number five is really for you.

Step two – Work on your body. Yes, I said it. Your body image is hurting your self-esteem and therefore who you are attracting. I don’t care if you are thin, fat, average. I don’t care if you are big boned, thin boned or have no bones at all, do something to change it. And if you say, I think I look pretty darn good then read step five.

Step three – Change your make-up. Your tan, your non-tan. Change the colors you are wearing on your face. Have you ever looked at someone and asked yourself, what was that person thinking of when they did their make-up? Well, maybe someone is saying that about you. PAY for a real make-over, let a professional do your make-up and then learn how they did it!

Step four – change what you are wearing. Yes, change that look. Change who you are by what people see you wearing. Have you heard the term, dress for success? Well, how you dress will certainly attract a certain type of person and will most efficiently scare others away. Maybe what you are wearing is not drawing the right people to you.

And Step five – change who you are. I don’t care if you are happy with who you are if part of your happiness involves finding the right partner then, like everyone else you have met, become the person you want to date. What’s crazy is most people say, I can’t change. Yes you can. I am the living result of many many changes and so are you. Do you like the exact same things you liked as a child? Same foods? Same games? Same friends? Do you like doing all those things you did as a kid? And I bet you actually had to think about what you used to do because your growth has come so gradually that you didn’t even know you changed except on those rare occasions when you suddenly found yourself eating something you hated as a kid or couldn’t eat the things you loved as a kid.

The same is true of who you are. You have changed hundreds of times over the years and I challenge you now to change again, only this time, make it a deliberate change. Change happens in at least one of three ways and typically in two or three ways; by the things we watch or listen to; by the things we read; by the people we hang around with. Change your friends and change your life. Change and read some great books, articles, emails, blogs and change your life. And change who and what you are listening to, podcasts, music, TV, seminars and workshops.

When you become a new person with deliberate action you can become the person you want to attract into your life.

I know what you are thinking…but I am great just as I am. If that is the case, you will be happy simply being right where you are but if you want to attract that person, then you have to become the type of person you are seeking. Change, grow, become and do it by choosing who you want to be.

I am Steve Sapato and I am the creator of the ‘Learn To Win’ workshops and seminars that change peoples lives. Write to me and let’s get you on the road to your own happiness.

The Happiness Agenda podcast is a good place to start. On iTunes or my website www.stevesapato.com/podcast

Love is all about you. Why love is never easy and often doesn't last.

Whenever I speak on love I consistently find people who are frustrated that they cannot find love. I am asked, why is love so hard to find?

The answer is simple: love is easy to find but a lasting, loving relationship is extremely hard to find. And that is because we are looking for someone who matches up with us. We are looking for someone who will love us enough because that is what we expect. That's what all the movies tell us; all the novels. My gosh, even 50 Shades says, even though we start off as a sex object it will turn into a long lasting, fulfilling, relationship filled with love.

And that is not how the world really works. We want someone to be our perfect match. They never will be.

What we should be looking for is how we can fill up someone else with our love and then, hopefully, in return, they will want to fill up our love tank and help us feel loved and fulfilled. But we won't know that until we give ourselves to another.

Yes, I understand, you have given yourself to so many others already but you have not met anyone who will do the same for you. Isn't that how you are feeling?

The answer again is, then you have not met the right person.

Oh my gosh! How many people do I have to meet? The answer is, you have to go through a lot of frogs to find your prince. I am sure you have heard something like that many times before.

The real key is, knowing yourself. Knowing what, exactly, you want. Once you find a person you think you might be the right one then you have to evaluate the other parts of your relationship. It's easy to say, I love you. It's easy to say I am in love. It's easy to say, this is the one!

It's another thing to really evaluate if you can fill them up or if this person will continue to fill you up. Do you know what makes you feel loved? Do you know what your love languages are and what makes you feel loved? Do you understand whether they will be able to keep you filled up? Do you know if you will be able to keep them filled up?

Don't misunderstand. Just because they can make you feel loved for a few weeks or even a couple months does not mean they will continue to do that for you for years to come. It takes a huge committment, a great sacrifice to make someone feel loved every day. Can you? Can they?

But this is your tie to be selfish. It is your time to care only about you. It is your time to make sure that you will find that happiness. Because if you are not happy, you will find it impossible to help others find happiness. If you are not happy you will find it unrewarding to keep filling another persons love tank.

Here are some questions you must ask yourself when you are involved in a relationship: have you asked your partner, every day, what you can do to make them happier today? Have you asked yourself, has my partner asked me what can make me happier in our relationship? Do you talk to each other about your dreams and goals? Do you share your deepest desires with your partner and do they accept them?

Those are keys to your happiness. Is your partner willing to be uncomfortable, even for a little while, to do something that makes you feel loved?

You see, your love language will determine that. If your love language is acts of service, then, will they do the dishes? Cook a meal? Take out the garbage? To make you feel more loved? If your love language is physical touch, will they rub your neck, shoulders or back to make you feel more loved? If your love language is quality time, will they shop with you, sit with you , walk with you, spend time just to make you feel more loved? If your love language is gifts, will they bring you little things to show they were thinking of you, buy you something to make you feel loved? If your love language is words of affirmation, will they compliment you, tell you great things, tell you how proud they are,

just to make you feel more loved.

And ... will they do this for years to come?

What typically happens is, they will do it for a short time but soon it becomes a burden. And without your love languages being given, being acted upon, soon you will feel less loved. And less loved, leads to other things.

So lets go back to the title of this article, love is all about you which means, it's all about them also.

Love is never easy to find and even more difficult to keep. Unless you find that special someone who knows how and why it's important to make you feel loved.

I am Steve Sapato. I wrote The Twenty book about how to find love. I know it's possible and I know how difficult it will be. But I believe.

www.stevesapato.com
steve@stevesapato.com